I wrote a very long entry a couple nights ago, and before I could enter it my computer decided to freeze on me and therefore delete everything I'd written. It was all about my night with Cody.

But anyways, tis of the past and he has gone back to that crappy hill and I miss him. I never got to give him a hug or even say goodbye before he left.

I've been working lots lately. I keep thinking it is preventing me from getting homework done, but really, I wouldn't be doing homework if I were just sitting at home anyway. At least work gives me something to do; something to take my mind off of him for a few hours. It's productive. I'm making money. And I enjoy it.

Phyllis offered me a baby-sitting job in the summer for her grandson, Angelo. He's three and absolutely adorable. I don't think I'll take it though. She's already told me I'll be working full-time this summer most likely, and to have to baby-sit Angelo everytime I'm not working...well, that is too much. Plus for part of the summer I'm always working part-time at a preschool summer program, so...I think I'm going to have to say no. She'd pay me $100 a week though, which isn't bad for baby-sitting.

I'm so behind in my French homework. I'm just starting Unit 2 and my exam on Unit 2 and 3 is in a week or so. I haven't handed in homework for over a month now. I'm really going to try and catch up though...if I want to go to UBC I need to get through this French course and the next half of it...

I asked about fitness classes offered at Watermania because I'd like to go to some. Apparently the cancelled their aerobics classes two months ago, and all the do is Aquasize. Maybe I'll try FitCity where Carmen goes.

Lately I've been feeling like such a failure. I don't know why, but just recently, this whole university-college thing is really bothering me. A lot. I can't stop thinking about how I used to be so smart. Everyone thought I was. I even got a full scholarship to university. But I lost it. I stopped trying and I just threw everything I had away. I know it's not my fault and some very bad things happened to me at that time in my life, but I just feel as if where I am right now is not where I am supposed to be. Listening to Cody talk about SFU gives me the feeling that I am lower than he is. He has his whole "life" up there. I guess I was never destined to be a part of that kind of life, at least not this year. I never did want to live up there. I only went because he wanted me too. I did it for him, because he said we'd have so much fun and things between us would be even better. I think that is the last time I will trust a guy. You can't trust anyone anymore. And I'm sick of helping people out who say they're my "friend" and who do not sacrifice a thing in return for me.

It's beautiful outside, gorgeous really. That bothers me deeply. It's not supposed to be pleasant outside when there are tortured souls in the world who cannot share the happiness of a warm sunny day. I don't feel like being happy right now, but the weather gives me a guilt trip for it. It screams, "Smile!". At least the clouds and rain and darkness share my tears.

I really miss Cody.

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