I'm getting depressed again. I had horrible nightmares last night about killing Kate and killing myself. I had a plan to kill myself but before I died I wanted Kate to know how she ruined my life. So I walked through a snowstorm to get to her and Cody's house, and I wrote on their driveway in the snow about what a bitch she was and how much I hated her. Then I slit my wrists and filled the letters with blood so you could read them. It was sick. Other parts of my dream included: trashing the Breadgarden she works at, beating the shit out of her, Cody telling me he loves me and wants to marry me yet not leaving her, Kate publishing and copyrighting one of MY poems under HER name (I was so angry and upset about that), finding her email address and sending her e-mails about how much I hated her...let's see, what else...

Anyways, I was crying out in my sleep and eventually woke up with a scream. I wanted to call Cody and get Kate's number right then and there (4 am) to tell her how much I hated her, but I didn't. Obviously.

I've been mildly suicidal all day. I feel like shit. I guess I just proved to myself that I can't be sane without medication, huh? I just can't. I stopped taking my medicine for a few weeks and now I'm fucked.

I'm so lightheaded right now, and so sick. I'm going to start crying soon. I just feel as if nothing is helping me get better, no matter what I do, nothing helps. Nothing. I'm still stuck in this maze. I'm still on the ledge of that cliff, and I'm still hanging on by a thread and that thread must be made out of steel because I am completely suspended in mid-air, not falling but not rising. I'm stuck. I'm in a room with no windows, no doors, no means of escape.

Someone please...get me out of here.

I keep feeling severly faint and it's awful. I haven't eaten anything all day in fear I'll throw up. I tried to make myself throw up earlier to get rid of the sickeningly nauseaus feeling but I just couldn't do it. I used to be able to throw up on cue for a while there. I guess I've lost my bulimic touch. So sad...so sad.

I need to break down but I'm scared of being heard. I need to break down but I just can't cry. I need to break down but I don't want to go backwards, I want to go forwards. You know what, I just don't know what the hell I want anymore. Did I ever know? No, I don't think so.

Hi, my name is Krista, and I'm an 18 year old screw up. I'm depressed and I can only be a half-normal screw up if I'm on medication, and if I'm not on medication, well then I'm just a full blown screw up. I live in a house I really do not want to live in, and I'm rarely left alone to sit in peace and write, which is what I love to do. A writer needs her privacy, you know. But my family just doesn't seem to understand that. It's a shame, a pitful shame, really.

Drinking tea, eating crackers, drowning in self-pity - welcome to Krista's life, everyone.

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