I can't stop crying and I just feel like I want to shrivel up and die. I want to curl up on the ground in a heap of blankets and just cry and scream. I wish I lived all alone so I could cry and cry and I wouldn't have anyone knocking on my door every 5 mintues and I wouldn't have to eat. I wouldn't have to do anything. I could drown in self pity all over again like I want to so badly.

I used to wish bad things upon myself, and now that they've come true I just can't take it anymore. I fantasized about being kidnapped, raped, getting pregnant, being suicidal, having an eating disorder. All the time. I felt as if my life was so boring and I needed to have some sort of serious problem, and then all my friends would pay attention to me, and I'd feel so loved. I think all of my wishing bad things upon myself actually drove me into a real depression. Or at least it helped it along. Losing Cody is what really made it bad. I always knew that if we broke up I'd go crazy, I wrote that in my journal (paper one) so many times...how I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle us breaking up, that I couldn't live without him.

I am still alive now but I'm half dead. I used to be like 90% dead. I hardly could get out of bed in the morning. Now I walk around and everything and pretend I am alive but I'm not Krista anymore. I'm nobody. I'm like a ghost within a real body. Inside of me there is nothing, just a massive, empty space. Except for that burning, fiery hole right in my chest. Can't forget that. I have to remember to paint my inner landscape this week for therapy on Friday. Good thing I remembered...

And this week I am going to work on my V-day present for Cody.

I can't wait to go to Victoria this weekend...get away from this shit...

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