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pull or push
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Feb. 4, 2001 981353496
I feel as if I'm standing on the ledge of a cliff and I can't get off that ledge as hard as I try. It doesn't matter which way I am trying to fall, it doesn't matter if I'm struggling to take a step back on to the solid earth or if I am trying to hurl myself over the cliff down into the dark, rocky gorge. No matter which direction I choose to fall I can't fall either way, I'm stuck in some sort of purgatory, and it's really true what they say about purgatory, that it is a state in which you are not totally alienated by your sins, but partially alienated while your sins are salvaged and you are good enough to rise above. I wish someone would pray for me already and get me out of this place. I'm stuck between two different worlds and I just can't get through this transition stage; this horrible hazy mass of thick fog that is so hard to see through sometimes. Sometimes it's lighter and I can almost make out some distictive forms through it, I can almost see that better world behind the grayness. I can see but I can't touch. Sometimes colours shine through and I feel a certain lightness inside me, and I know things will be okay and I know I am only moments away from stepping out of this purgatory and into a newer and better realm. But I can never get through that fog, and once I realize this the mist thickens and darkens and I can't see the shapes anymore, all I can see is clouded blackness all around me and I can't move in any direction but down, down, deeper and deeper into the dark pit of depression and hell and everything painful you can possibly think of. The world down there is heavy and it makes my entire upper body feel like lead. My head is so heavy I just can't lift it. Everything is a burden upon my back and my mind, and I long for days when I wasn't stuck in this place, when I wasn't in purgatory or when I wasn't balancing on one foot on a cliff's ledge, yet still unmoving and still uncertain, and still screaming and screaming for someone to either pull me or push me either way but there is no one in sight to do either.
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