I haven't been in a journal writing mood lately. I don't know what is wrong with me; I think I'm experiencing some sort of writer's block. Whatever it is, it is really starting to bother me.

I played a stupid Tarot card game over the Internet today and it read me like a book. You're supposed to concentrate on a question while you tell the person to deal the cards, so I did as told, and then read the cards they way I was supposed to. I was utterly amazed. The question I thought of was, "Does Cody love me?", and man, every single card was dead on. Nine cards are dealt and you read them in this order: 1) This covers you 2) This crosses you 3) This crowns you 4) This is beneath you 5) This is behind you 6) This is before you 7)Yourself 8) Your environment 9) Your hopes and fears. Anyways, it was really neat. The same results I kept getting had to do with jealousy, guilt, regret, impatience, a broken relationship or some sort of loss...it was really scary actually. I want to get Tarot cards and learn the real way to deal them and read them. That'd be so neat...but I know Tarot's are expensive.

Okay so I keep expecting something remarkably profound to ease out while I write this but still I feel as if something is tainting my writing ability somehow.

Okay I can do this. I can get over this. What happened this week that was notable? Nothing. I worked a lot, did a French exam, skipped some school.

Cody came in to see me at work on Friday night and he gave me a hug. Being in his arms for those brief seconds felt like heaven; I felt as if the world had stopped right there in it's place and everything was going to magically fall back into place again, and my life would be normal, and everything would be just so...normal. It felt so, so good to feel his arm around me and to lean my head on his chest. It just felt right. I know that's the way things are meant to be, I am so incredibly comfortable with his body, and with everything about him. I wonder if he felt that too? What did it feel like for him to hug me, despite the briefness? Did he feel that little sense of...relief, was it? Comfort? Love? I wish he'd talk to me. I wish he'd tell me what he felt in his heart, and what he really think of me. I wish we could just be together again. But I really do wish too many things.

I don't know what I believe anymore. I used to say I didn't believe in God but if I were ever in trouble, I'd call upon him. Then for a while there I turned into some sort of devout Christian; I even bought a Bible for Christ's sake. Now, I just don't know. I have so many reasons to not believe in God. He wasn't there for me when I suffered from horrible breakdowns. He wasn't there to stop me from cutting my arms and he wasn't there to answer my billions of prayers. I kneeled before the end of my bed at SFU, and literally prayed out loud - first the Lord's Prayer to start it off, and then I began to talk. I'd tell him how badly I wanted Cody, and if he could do just one thing for me in my entire life, this was it, and I promised I wouldn't ask for one other thing for as long as I lived.

So you see why I am a little skeptical about God.

You know what I'm finishing this right now and it's 2:47am and I'm damn tired so I'll write more tomorrow. Promise.


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