I just keep thinking about how badly I want him back, and how he doesn't want me.

I'm trying to type so softly so my parents don't hear, but that's sort of hard since this keyboard is annoyingly loud.

I'd type out my long, weird dreams of last night, but I'm so scared of typing that much because of the loudness of this keyboard...

My head hurts...my heart hurts...and nothing can take the pain away...I try and fall asleep so much, I lay there and wait but I just can't sleep anymore, no matter how hard I try I just can't...

The insomnia is back. Why? Thought I was getting better...I used to not be able to sleep for the longest time, and then I went through a phase where all I did was sleep and 14 hours of sleep a day wasn't enough for me...and now I am surviving on weeks of getting about 6 hours or less a night...can't take naps...can't fall asleep, ever, and when I do sleep those 6 hours or less I dream so vividly that it feels like I didn't even sleep...

Some people complain about having dreamless sleeps. God I'd trade them in a instant to have just a week or sound, deep sleeps where you don't remember a single thing. Where you feel like you were just knocked out cold and were dead for 8 hours. I love that feeling. Since Cody and I broke up I've felt it once, I specifically remember the day - Carmen's house when I was sleeping over after our party we had for Jess' b-day and Halloween. That was the only night I slept so, so soundly. It felt so good.

Today after I bawled my eyes out after talking to Cody, I had an hour before work started and because I'd skipped all of my classes today I had to leave the house because if my mom came home and I was still home I'd be in shit...so I drove to the dike and looked out on to the river while eating my lunch. I wished I could somehow get across the river to that little island on the other side. Just to be alone, and away. I know it's not very far away, but it's still away. It was like I was looking out to my oasis island of heaven where there is happiness...and I was stuck on the stupid Richmond dike, aka hell. But heaven is just across the river...

The gross, dirty, Fraser River...

I need to go to bed

and I need to eat

I feel like one of those crash test dummies, my head is so heavy and I don't know why that makes me think of crash test dummies but it does. Maybe because they are so plastic and lifeless and frozen on the outside, and they are like that as well inside, and I am just so damn numb inside these days that I feel like I'm sub-human.

I wonder what would happen if I ran away... Cody told me a couple months ago that if I did, he would go look for me and so would all my friends, but I would bet my life that Cody would not come look for me...he's too damn "busy" with his homework to look for me. Who cares if I'm dead in an alley, math homework has to be done, right Cody? Oh, and track practice...

I feel like nobody cares about me at all and I really wish I just had someone to hold me right now and now I'm starting to cry...god I miss him so bad...I left him a page today with 456838 which is our code for "I love you"...I wonder if he ever thinks about me...

I really don't want to go to therapy tomorrow...a lot...I just want to sleep and cry all day, I really do, I feel so depressed right now, I feel like shit...

I miss my friends and I miss everything about the way my life used to be...I miss my old self...I miss everything...I miss my childhood and I miss the feeling of being content with my life and I miss waking up and knowing that what I have to do that day is okay, and that is what must be done, and I'm okay with that...I miss feeling as if I have control and I can make a difference...I miss being talked to, because all I ever do is the talking, and some people listen, but they don't know what to say and Cody won't even open himself to me and I just can't take this anymore...

I feel so suicidal right now, but not really...I am just so fed up and so frustrated with this, I am so frustrated that I can't get better...it's like I'm stuck at a point right now where I'm almost there, but not quite, and I can't get over that line...I'm still stuck in this maze and I just can't find my way out...I'm walking in the same circle over and over again...and again.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad oh it kills, and I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up

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