Last night I had a dream that Shannon and I worked at some weird store that was completely covered in Christmas lights and burning incense and psychadelic lava lamps and other glowing neon trinkets. We had to dress up in sexy elf costumes (I remember the red hats), and our manager was this woman who drove a massive truck, and I mean massive, like those huge trucks that go down Lougheed Hwy in Burnaby, except twice as big and you could hear it coming a mile away, it sounded like a plane engine. Sometimes it was as if the store was selling those trippy things, and sometimes it was a radio station. For my interview I had to read aloud a page of writing, so that they could "test my voice" to see if I could go on air. One night when Shannon and I were working, she started to turn everything off and close the curtains so that it was pitch black, and she started to light candles and I asked, "What are you doing?!" and she said, "Come on, nobody's here, let's have a seance!" and I was like, "We can't, she's coming soon" (referring to the manager) and Shannon's like, "No she isn't, come on, it'll be so cool", but I yanked the curtains open again and tried to set everything up normally, like it was. Just as I started to do that we heard the loud motor and then the truck pulled up, and I said, "See, I told you she was coming!". So we hurried around sooo fast to put all of the lights back on, and then we took out a whole bunch of Christmas presents we had for her, and put them on the bed. Oh yeah, the "store" or whatever it was was really my parents bedroom, or the same layout, except it was on the highest floor of an old building on a scummy gray street. I can't remember what else happened...The night before I dreamed that Cody loved me again, and he told me so. He told me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to be with me again, and we were walking down some busy street at night in the dark, and he had his arms wrapped around me. My hair was really long and straight like Britney Spears' hair is in the "Oops..." video. Anyways, at some point in the dream we got seperated and I was put into this maze made of those plastic bubbly toys that fit together, that kids play with - they come in a bright red, blue, yellow and green. Anyways, they were monstor pieces of those toys. I had to crawl through tunnels and slides and I walked around this really brightly coloured maze trying to find Cody, and I could hear him calling for me but I couldn't find him. I looked down and I was in my grad dress, and every corner I turned there were some of my friends, also dressed up and teling me I was going to be late for the wedding if I didn't hurry up. I kept trying to crawl into this one little space but it was a dead end, and there was always a guy in that space, but it was never Cody, and everytime I went in there I ended up kissing whoever was in there, but I was still trying to find Cody, wherever he was. Can't remember the rest.
I've been taking my pill at different times during the day lately, and I haven't even taken it at all for the last 3 days, so maybe that is why I have been sort of fucked up.
I almost got killed 3 times in a matter of 1/2 hour today. Almost got into two car accidents driving to school, and then I ran across the street to get to class and I almost got run over. It was strange though because I didn't even care, I felt like I was watching a movie of myself doing it and I knew it was stupid to just run across a busy street, but I did it anyway. It was completely out of character for me. I wasn't even thinking. In fact I feel as if my brain has been shut off all of today, I have barely had one single thought in my head today that was really mine. I know that sounds weird but it's true. I feel as if all I can think about are trivial things. I was talking to myself on the way home today; having an imaginary conversation with someone. I am really not myself. I think someone or something else has taken over my body. Just a second ago I was staring at the computer screen but then all of a sudden things started to blur and duplicate, and I could still type about whatever I'm writing about right now but I couldn't feel a thing - no brain action at all, and I can't feel my fingers moving over the keys right now, and I can't hear a thing around me. My eyes are completely glazed over. What the hell is wrong with me?
Cody sent me messages on ICQ about how he wants to write me a letter back but he just doesn't have time, and how me getting better is not everything that needs to be done, there is also the other half of it, and that's him. He feels that right now he just doesn't want to be in a relationship and he doesn't really know why, but he just needs time, and he needs to know that if we were to be togehter again that he wouldn't cheat on me. I think it's sweet he took the time to write to me, but it didn't make me feel any better still. I miss him so much. Sometimes all I can think about is him, and no matter how hard I try there is nothing else I can think about. Right now I just can't think about anything. I feel like I'm not even here. This is the worst kind of numbness I've felt in a long time and I don't know why. I don't know what is wrong. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know anything.
I want to go to the party on Friday but I know it may upset me. I know I shouldn't what else am I going to do on Friday, especially if all of my friends are going?
I found the cutest picture of Cody and I yesterday, taken at New Years 2000. It's a close up of me and him, and his arm is around me and I'm leaning into him and our heads are leaned into each other. It's a good picture of both of us and it's so adorable. I can't help but look at that and think, that is when my life was perfect. I was leading a perfect life and I didn't even know it. How self-absorbed was I to not even appreciate how good I had it?
I feel so fat right now, and I know I'm not fat but I still feel as if I am. I keep thinking that maybe there is just one thing I can change and it will get his attention somehow, but I know that isn't what is going to get his attention. I know he loved (loves?) me for way more than physical appearance, it is deeper than that, and something superficial isn't going to change things. It's funny how I know all of the right answers, but I still act as if I don't.
I know my true self and I can get in touch with the real person I am inside, and Deb says that to be able to reach that is something incredible, especially at my age. But I know that I really do know my soul, and I know my soul is strong and right. I know what is right deep inside and I know what I do and say sometimes is the wrong thing to do and say, but I do it anyways. Why do I do that? What is wrong with me? If I have reached my soul and I can hear it's voice, why don't I really listen to it?
It's as if I hear it but I don't respect what it is saying enough to trust it.
How do you learn to trust the person inside of you? How do you get out of this state of numbness?
Why doesn't anything seem to help anymore...
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