I really deteste the months of January through to March. Even April has it's downs. I feel as if January has gone by and I haven't even noticed it. I haven't lived this month. A whole month of my short human life will be entirely forgotten. I've spent this month in some sort of outer-body existence, as if I'm walking around physically but my mind is somewhere else. Somewhere better or somewhere worse...I am not sure.

I don't know if I am better yet, but I don't think I am. I have improved, but I don't know how much. I don't know how perfect I have to be until Cody likes me again. What does it take for me to be "normal" again? When I am to be considered "stable"? I really wish I knew where those boundaries lie, because right now I feel as if I'm waiting for some miraculous thing to happen, and *poof* I'm okay, and everyone knows it, including myself. I thought I was better, but then Cody says I'm still "unstable". What am I supposed to do now? Sit on my ass and wait until I'm "stable" enough to be just like everyone else?

I wish I knew what I'm expected to become, because I don't know what I'm reaching for here, and frankly I really don't feel as if any of this is worth it anymore.

God I miss him. *sigh*

I want to meet a sweet, shy, smart boy who adores me. You know, one of those things where you meet each other casually and you become easy friends, and he's just the nicest, sweetest guy. So now you're friends, and he totally falls for you...and things just...come together. And it's perfect. I want to find a guy that is just so sweet and senstitive. I want a guy who I can talk to about anything, and who actually talks back. I want -oh, I NEED- a guy that gives really good hugs, and good kisses, and who loves to be affectionate and who just loves me more than life itself.

Cody gives the best hugs. I told him that in Grade 11 before he asked me out. We got off the bus (from Metrotown) and I asked him to give me a hug before I left, and he did, and I think I fell for him right at that moment, in his arms. Okay, maybe I had already fallen for him if I was asking him for a hug, but I knew right then when we hugged that he liked me too. I could just feel it.

And while we were going out he'd squeeze me really tight and pick me up in the air and spin me around, and I'd squeal and scream and tell him to put me down and stop...but I loved it so much.

For some reason I just remembered this day at school, I think near the end of Grade 11, maybe beginning of Grade 12. I felt really gross for some reason, I think I'd got up late and didn't shower or something, and I came to school just feeling...icky, and tired, and you know. But that day Cody was being so sweet, and as I was at his locker he said, "You are so pretty...I think you get prettier every day."

I don't know why I torture myself by recalling memories, listening to our songs and basically thinking about him 24/7. But I do. Perhaps when you are infatuated by someone you really can't get them off your mind.

I gave him his letter the other day, but I know he hasn't read it yet. I doubt he will tonight, and I doubt he will tomorrow. It hurts me that he doesn't care to make time in his schedule to do it. But I suppose I am used to it now. I'm used to not being his number one priority. It hurts me, but if I could be with him again, I don't think it'd matter. Okay, it would matter, but I would still stay with him. I'd at least want to try again.

Sometimes I feel as if my cat is my only friend. I know that's not true, but really. I try to hug him but, what comfort is hugging a cat. I tell Cody I need hugs, and he says "Then give Murray hugs."

Half (or more) of the concept of needing a hug is to feel the other person hug YOU. Cats don't hug back. So I'm really at a loss here, aren't I?

<< || >>