You probably won�t read this because you�re too busy, so I don�t even know why I bother. Sometimes I don�t know why I bother to do anything anymore, but whatever. Your phone is busy right now, so I wonder who you are allowed to talk to when you are eating, because it isn�t me.

I know this letter isn�t going to change anything. Nothing I do ever changes anything. I try to get better but it doesn�t matter, I still can�t be with you. Sometimes I figure, why should I keep trying if it really isn�t getting me anywhere? There are days when I feel good about myself, but that is often because I also feel good about you, and I know that we�re going to be together again soon. Actually I think that almost all of the time, except for times like now when I am crying. But when I mentioned that to you, you acted as if that was completely untrue so maybe I should just give up.

Do you want me to give up? I mean on you. I don�t know what else �giving up� entails in the long run, but do you want me to stop loving you? I have no idea how I could possibly do that, but�well, I don�t know. I don�t know what I�m saying. I can�t think of one single thing that would help me not love you, besides killing myself. I don�t want to do that, even though I do feel a little suicidal right now. Not enough to do anything, but I�m really, really heartbroken�again. This whole week has been so bad for me. Every night it has been so hard not to call you, and I was proud of myself for not doing it. I told myself I was allowed to call you on Wednesday, and after we�d talked and seen each other last weekend I really thought things between you and me were so much better, and I thought we�d be together again soon. I thought that talking to you today would feel the same as it did then, but then I got this letter from Sarah that screwed that up nicely for me.

Why would anyone say to their grieving friend, �When you and Cody first broke up, he wanted to get back together with you, but he became scared� ? I don�t think anything else could make me feel worse than that. Okay, a lot of things probably could but that�s a pretty bad one. It�s like, do you want me to feel guilty? It�s like saying, �Yeah he did still love you, then you fucked it up.� After I just told Deb (therapist) today that I no longer felt a lot of guilt � this has brought guilt back on me a hundred times worse. I feel like I can�t do anything right anymore. All I do is screw things up with you.

Oh my god Cody I love you so much. I know that doesn�t mean anything to you. I mean, you say you care that I love you, but I don�t see how. How? What does it mean to you? If you don�t love me back, I can�t see how it would mean anything really. I waste my breath, I waste my tears, I waste pages of paper writing, I am pretty much a waste of space.

I don�t know why I am writing this to you because you are probably going to think I am still crazy (if I ever was �crazy�). Deb says that what I went through it totally normal when you lose someone that close to you. So now I have risen from being �crazy� to �normal�. She wants me off the medicine, and I told her today I think I want to go off it in a month or so.

Sarah�s letter totally opened my wound all over again and now I�m crying, and I know that if it weren�t for the medicine that right now I�d be having a breakdown, because normally when I cry nowadays it doesn�t hurt this much, and it doesn�t last this long. Right now I just feel like curling up into a ball and freezing time forever, just to scream and cry and not move ever again. I hate time with a passion. I wish time didn�t exist, I wish there was nowhere I had to be, ever. But that�s a totally different story.

I know I am an emotional person by nature so I don�t think that the fact I�d be having a hard time without medicine right now means I am still messed up. I know that what I�m going through is an extremely hard time.

I know I always say to you �you don�t understand�, and I don�t know what I�m trying to get out of saying that, because you will just say, �I guess I don�t�, and then I get angry because I wish there was something I could do to make you understand in some way. I just wish someone could feel my pain too. I know Kim does (or has), and that is why her and me are such good friends now. I just wish you could try and understand what I feel right now. I�ll describe it to you:

My upper chest (from the bottom of my rib cage to my neck) feels tight and clenched, and right in the center there is something � a ball, or a hole, something round � and it squeezes tighter and tighter and hurts so much. It feels as if something needs to fill it, and nothing can. It hurts so much that my lungs are tight too and I can�t breathe as well, and my throat closes off, and it feels like something is being ripped out. Then lower, in my abdomen, everything feels funny � as if something is bouncing or running around in there. Everything is spinning and it just doesn�t feel right. It feels like I�m going to throw up; like everything is being sloshed around. Then my shoulders and head feel so heavy, and I always slouch now because of that. Sometimes I feel like I just can�t look up. My arms and hands are still shaking, and it�s scaring me because every time I stop my hand from moving my fingers shake so I am trying to keep them moving. That�s what I feel like, physically.

More spiritually, I feel like an explosion has gone off inside of me. I feel like something that used to be strong and healed just crumbled or ripped apart. At times like these I can actually visualize a crumbling wall, and I think of how that is what�s happening inside my body. That hole in my chest that hurts so, so badly, it used to be slightly healed over with a very thin skin � and it has just been torn apart again and blood is oozing everywhere, seeping into all my arteries and veins and infecting my entire body all over again. I can see that, you know. Can�t you? I can see the pain, it�s thick and a dark red, bubbling, and it seeps out of the hole and it�s so happy to be free in my body again, and I can feel the skin all around the wound, torn. It took me four whole months to grow that thin layer, and in a single instant it�s ripped apart again. How�s that for everything you�ve accomplished being crushed in an instant? God it hurts so, so badly.

I always tell you there are so many things I want to tell you, and then you say �No there aren�t, you don�t have anything else to say.� I know what you mean because when I�m talking, it doesn�t seem like I do. It is so, so frustrating to not be able to speak what is inside of me. It all comes out here, in writing. So if you�ve read this far, then please keep going. Not that what I�m saying is going to change anything. I just wish I was able to express myself this thoroughly when I talked to you� *sigh*

I haven�t felt this badly since�oh god, probably the end of December. I have cried over you many times since then, but never for this long, and it�s never been a grieving sort of crying. It�s been an �I miss you� sort of crying. I had been thinking that we�d be together again soon, and the �soon� part of it really helped me along. I thought to myself, you know what, I can take another couple weeks, even a month. I can keep going; I can keep trying to get better �til then, and when I have Cody again, everything will fall back into place. Not to say I think my life is over if we never do, because I really have got better in that sense. It just hurts so, so much. Everything inside me has been let loose all over again. Right now I feel as if everything inside me has been let loose all over again. I guess these feelings never really go away, do they? Four months, and all I could do was try to smother them a little, hide them into that hole and cover them up with other things, hoping they�d never resurface. But there just isn�t any way to let it out. It�s like I need to bleed it out or something. Maybe that is why some people cut themselves, it�s like letting out the pain. That totally makes sense, and in a way I was thinking of it that way, but more in the way that I was able to be aggressive towards something and then the physical pain took my mind off the emotional pain. I wonder if some people think of it as like, letting all of what is inside of you pour out, you know?

I often wonder what it felt like for you when I was at my worst. Or the night of your rookie party, to see me screaming and trying to rip myself out of your hold while we were on the stairs. How did that make you feel? How was it (is it) for you, having me being so upset over all of this? I wish that we could talk about these sort of things, because that�s the kind of stuff I always wonder about. I wonder how you feel about me. If you still love me at all like you used to, or have some feelings for me. How you�d feel if I didn�t love you anymore. How you�d feel if I died. What you think about everything�about me not being at SFU anymore�about how this turned out. It is so hard for me to believe that this is the way my year turned out. I still don�t believe it.

There�s nothing I wish for now than to close my eyes, look over on my bed and see you laying there. At SFU that is what I thought of constantly � I just wanted you to hold me while I fell asleep. Nighttime used to be so hard for me to fall asleep, but now I have tricks I use. Well they�re not really �tricks�; basically I put myself back to a time where you and I were happy together, and I live through that, and I think of us in love, and that is probably why I have so many disturbing dreams of us being together and then bad things happening, but�at least I fall asleep at all. Even if it usually isn�t until 1 am or so, on school nights.

As I write this I feel bad because I sound like I am so sorry for myself. I guess I am sometimes, but a whole lot less than I used to be. It�s so hard, you know? I feel like I have to be perfect before you consider me �stable�. I mean here I am, thinking I am so much better (which I am!), but still I am �unstable�. I feel that the expectations I have to reach are something I cannot even imagine reaching�not that I�m incapable of getting even better than I am, but more like�I don�t know what you expect of me at all. I don�t know what you think of everything. I don�t know how you feel a lot of the time, actually.

You say that to know that you�re �not ready yet� is all I need to know, but it really isn�t. I know those are the bare facts, but�I�m human! I have emotions and I feel (more than a lot of people) and I love you�.God I love you more than I bet you can imagine. For me to feel content, that isn�t enough. I love to hear how you feel. I love to know what is on your mind. I just�I miss you! I miss you so, so much, I miss talking to you, I miss everything, every single last thing about us�

Maybe I will write later hon�I feel sooo bad�I guess it�s time to lay in my bed for a couple hours and wait to fall asleep. God I miss you, and I love you. I love you so much. Please don�t ever forget that� please.

Love always, Krista

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