And I quote:

"As for Cody's 'cruelness', you know hon, I don't think he is trying to be cruel. When he called your parents that night, it was because I told him to, you might hate me for this, but Cody would call me all the time because he didn't know what to do anymore; he couldn't handle what you were going through because he didn't know how. He was so worried that you were going to kill yourself so I said that he had to let your parents help if he couldn't. Seriously Krista, he cared so much about you, but you have to realize that he was hurting too. I mean, it's not every day that he loses someone he loves so deeply either. But remember, that Cody is human too, and he didn't know what to do; I'm sure he could have done things better, but that's over now. The important thing now is surviving on your own. You have to work on healing by yourself before you can even think about bringing him back into your life. When you and Cody first broke up, he wanted to get back together with you, but he saw how you were handling the breakup, and he became really scared. I'm sure he must still have feelings for you, but he needs to know that you are stable enough on your own and that you're OK. I know you love him, but work on loving yourself first."

I have no idea what to think right now.

I'm happy, sad, angry, annoyed, grateful, weary...all at the same time.

Is she lying? Cody wanted to get back together with me?! Huh? Then why didn't he ever show it?

I already knew that he called her, but I didn't know he called her because he didn't know what to do. That doesn't really bother me too much.

What bothers me is that if that's true, and he cared so much and even had feelings for me still, why did he go out with Kate?

It isn't just the break-up that I was freaking out about, it was the whole seeing Cody on top of Kate thing. THAT was what made me crazy.

If he was so scared I was going to kill myself, why did he hang up on me all of those times that I told him I was going to? Why did he yell at me and swear at me? I understand that maybe he didn't know what to do, but like...if you care about someone, usually you don't ignore them when they're suicidal...?

I hate this feeling of betrayal. I don't know why exactly I feel betrayed, but I do. All this time, Cody wanted to be with me? And nobody told me?

Why on earth did Sarah say that to me? Is she stupid? Unless Cody knows she said that, and he still does want to be with me eventually. But if he doesn't, she really should not have said that. And I mean really. Now more than ever I want to be with him. Knowing that he may still love me is driving me beserk. I feel like jumping up and down and screaming. Or something.

She must have a reason for writing that. If she doesn't, then she really is a fucking idiot. I mean, nice thing to say to your grieving friend. "Well, he DID want to get back together with you, but then you fucked it up." That is exactly what I am thinking right now, and who wouldn't be? I feel so, so badly. I truly did fuck things up. I mean I coudln't exactly help it! Geez, the whole reason I was pressuring him so hard was because I thought he didn't care about me - I had no clue he still had feelings for me.

But then WHY KATE?!?!

This makes no sense to me.

This letter doesn't make sense.

My life doesn't make sense.

I feel as if they have been scheming behind my back the whole time, and I had no idea. No wonder Cody was so touchy when I mentioned to him one time that I hated Sarah. He kept on pressing, "Why? why? Tell me!" but I wouldn't.

Why do I get the feeling that she wants him.

Why is he calling her "all the time"? Why HER, of all of his friends? If he really wanted advice on me, why would he call Sarah, who I haven't spoken to since Grad?

The fact that they've been talking about living together when she comes down to SFU really bothers me too.

"You might hate me for this..." I can't decipher if she meant hating her for telling him to call my parents, or hating her because he called her all the time.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I am silently screaming. I just felt my heart drop to my stomach. I need to do those acupuncture exercises I just learned today.

If Cody calls tonight, should I talk to him about this?

I want to know if she is lying. It wouldn't be a first...

I know her intentions were good but writing to me telling me that he wanted to get back together with me and that he "must still have feelings" for me...that girl better have a DAMN good reason...or she's a fucking bitch who is too stupid to realize that things like that are only opening the wound all over again.

I know I'm being harsh, but Christ, this is a fucking big deal. I wish I talk to Cody about this right now. I cannot wait 5 hours until he is supposed to call.

I need to take a HOT bath and contemplate my existence for a while. I have no idea how to react to this. One second I feel like smiling, one second I feel numb and the next second I am going to burst into tears. A part of me wants to remain calm and collected, and another part wants to scream and hurt myself.

I feel so guilty. Deb was just asking me today if I felt any guilt or shame, and I said sometimes, but not nearly as strongly as I did before. I said I didn't feel guilty anymore.

The guilt just came back tenfold.

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