I got him part of his Valentine's Day present today. Everyone keeps telling me not to get him anything, but the way I see it, it's Valentine's Day - the day you're supposed to show the people you love how much you care about them. I love him, so V-day should be my one day of the year I have a valid reason to buy him something, should it not?

Anyways, last night I was thinking of him and I started to cry. Actually, to be more precise, I was thinking of the way I felt when I walked in on him and Kate. I can't even explain how that felt...it was if something exploded inside of me. I couldn't think, I couldn't hear, I couldn't see. Honestly. I was screaming, but I couldn't hear myself; I felt completely disconnected from my body. It's like I was watching a movie and the most horrible thing just happened, and it's like, Thank God that wasn't really me...but, it was. After I went back upstairs to scream at them, the bitch left, and I started to run back down the stairs to go kill myself, and Cody was yelling, "Krista! STOP! KRISTA!"...I'll never forget the sound of his voice then. I know he really did care. He grabbed a hold of me and part of me was trying to rip myself away from him, so I was thrashing and kicking and screaming, but then another part of me melted at the feel of his arms around me, and right then I wanted to turn to face him and let him hold me. But I was too disillusioned to actually think to do that, so I continued to scream and drag myself (and him) down the stairs any way I could. I ripped myself from him and got down to the next floor, but he caught me again and pulled me down on to my back, and I started to scream and kick the wall. I barely remember screaming but I know I was. I was swearing a lot too; a lot of "fuck you!".

It's kind of interesting how the second that all happened, the first thing he thought was that I was going to kill myself. I mean, he was right. But all those times I'd say he didn't care about me at all weren't true. He must have cared, because he was holding me the entire time while I cried, until I calmed down enough and told him I wanted to leave. He said no, and I said yes, went to go pick up my field hockey stick to leave, and he freaked out thinking I was going to hit him with it. I was totally calm and said, "I'm not going to hurt you, I just wanted to take it home." He looked like he sort of believed me and sort of didn't, and I wanted to get out of there so I could kill myself as soon as possible, so I said, "Fine, I don't care, keep it here then, but I'll need it tomorrow morning for my game so I'll come and get it then." And I left. Interesting how I wanted to kill myself, yet I still planned on going to my field hockey game...?

So I walked away and meant to take my bags home (I had my field hockey cleats, stick and clothes with me that I had brought from Richmond), but I didn't even think to stop by at my place and drop it off, so I just walked right by and kept on going. It was cold outside but I couldn't really feel anything. I walked past the all-weather field and I thought about going through the gate and getting lost in the forest out there, but I decided I'd rather die warm and dry than scared and cold and wet and in the dark. But as fate had it, right then a girl said hi to me, and asked me how I was. Her name was Kendall, and I told her everything that had just happened, and she gave me a hug and let me cry and we walked around SFU campus for an hour or so, talking. I wanted her to go away so badly, because I just wanted to be left alone right then, but on the other hand it was nice to have someone care about me, even if I barely knew them.

When I got back to my townhouse, Cody, Brent and Ryan (though I didn't know who he was at the time) were sitting out in front. Yvonne told me later that they'd knocked on the door three or more times during that hour, asking for me, and that she kept telling them I wasn't home. Cody had called Brent right away after I'd left and told him what happened, and the three of them went out looking for me. When I think about that, I feel a little soft spot for Brent and Ryan, as if I should thank them. But then I remember all the other shit they did and said about me. And also, they most likely went out to look for me not caring what happened to ME...it was just for Cody (which is understandable I mean Ryan didn't even know me). So I guess I don't owe them anything, and I shouldn't need to thank them. I wouldn't anyways. I haven't seen Brent at all since the time I was a bitch to him (and he went on to mock me for the next 1/2 hour or so), and the last time I saw Ryan was fine, we didn't speak to each other directly though. I think I'm a little better with Ryan now. Cody told me he doesn't hate me. I believe him. I just don't want anything to do with those track people anymore.

I have to go now so I'll continue this in a couple hours...

~later

(2 1/2 hours later)

Okay I'm back. Therapy was good today, we talked a lot about Cody. I drew a picture of the two of us together and we talked about what that meant. Then beside the picture I listed every single feeling I felt in the picture, and then we worked with those words, and we did something called "tapping", where she taps on certain acupuncture points on my body while I concentrate on my "affirmation" which I made up as: "Even when Cody says good-bye, I know I can feel secure and content with my life". Anyways, it was a good session.

I can't remember where I was going with that whole other thing. I think I was just letting out my feelings (whoa, big surprise for a diary).

Deb says that I have a wise soul, and that I'm amazing. She says that talking to me is like talking to an 18-year-old going on 35. She says it's amazing how I am so in tune with my true self, and I am so soulful and deep. She says that what I accomplished today in our meeting was what some people take a whole year of acupunture to accomplish. Maybe I am special. I always knew I was aware of the world on more than just a material level, but I guess I really know now that some people just...aren't. I don't think Cody is. That's not meant to insult him or anything, I just think that is the truth. His life revolves around the material things around him - school, track, etc. Whereas I depend more on inner desires and things like writing and thinking. I'm not so comfortable in the outside world. I think that is a big difference between us. I don't think that means that we are incompatible. I just think that it's necessary for us to recognize these differences and be able to accept them.

I just got a letter from Sarah, but I don't want to open it. I sent her a letter after I got hers at Christmas time. I told her for the first time then all that had been going on with me (the cutting, suicide attempts, etc). I am scared to open her letter now. In a lot of ways I feel like I just don't want anything to do with her anymore. We haven't even talked for real since Grad. I feel completely disconnected from her. It's a really uncomfortable situation, and I still think she's the one who told Steve so there is a part of me that is still really mad at her. I miss her friendship, but then, she's lied about me more than once, and she just lies in general. Me and Cody caught her in a huge lie just last week. I don't know why she does that, and it bothers me. She's so screwy with guys, and I have never trusted her with Cody. Even Lindsey said a couple months ago that Sarah is a girl that she wouldn't trust with her boyfriend. And Lindsey, of all people. Lindsey is the most friendly, trustworthy person around, and she always looks to see the good in people. It surprised me so much to hear her agree with me about Sarah, and when she did, well then I really knew that Sarah must really be like that and it isn't just me being a bitch.

Anyways. I'd like to open her letter but I know it will make me cry so I'll wait 'til later when I'm upstairs. Today has been a weird day.

I've been working on my own web page! It's kind of crappy right now but it gives me something to do besides homework. It's at www.geocities.com/tidal_gurl/krista.html

At first I put my diary link on it, but I took it off the next day. If any of my friends end up going to see my page, there are some people I really don't want seeing this. Not that I really say anything bad about my friends (that often at least, hehe). It's just...weird.

Not that there's anything stopping them from going to Diaryland and just looking me up, but...hey. The web page would be an easier access I suppose.

God I miss Cody so badly. I know we'll be together again, maybe even soon. I don't know what I'll do then. I keep imagining the situation over and over, when I ask him yet again if I can be his girlfriend again, and he'll finally say yes...I don't know what I'll do. I think I'll probably scream and hug him and cry. Just thinking about it almost sends me into an ecstatic shock, so maybe that is what will happen - I will just freeze. It's like when something you've wished for your entire life suddenly comes true, and you have the thing you always wished for, and it's like, "Whoa. What do I do now?".

I left a message on his machine to call me once "Tempation Island" is over (evil, evil show). I hope he does.

~Kris

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