I'm going to go work out tomorrow big time. I just want to sweat out everything. I wish I had a punching bag in my room. What movie did I see recently where the chick uses a punching bag...oh yeah, Miss Congeniality. Good movie.

I actually had a good night with Cody tonight, I'm just really depressed and angry right now because I want him so badly...but I just have to walk away...we just part at the end of the night and it tears me apart to not kiss him or hear him say he loves me...plus he wanted to go home because he said he had to call his grandma (at 11pm?!) and he said he wanted to go to bed...then I just heard from Blake he was going to a party...

I told him a couple days ago I didn't want him to lie to me about anything because I didn't want to be decieved like I was when he didn't tell me about him and Kate..

Sometimes I wish he had just told me while I was still at SFU because I know I would have probably killed myself, and sometimes I just think I'd be better off dead right now.

But then on the other hand, if I hadn't actually died that night at SFU I would have done all the screaming and wailing and craziness in the company of my roommates, which would have been really embarrassing afterwards.

I feel so weird right now, I feel like I want to go crazy and scream and cut my arms...sooo badly...I hate this, I hate the way I'm feeling right now, as if I want to cut so, so much....SO much...I know it's bad but I still want to, it's my way of dealing with it, yeah it's a fucked up way of dealing but at least it's SOMETHING...oh my god...

Today at therapy we opened a lot of wounds - I told her about the last "chapter" of the "Story of Cody" - our breakup, me walking in on him with another girl, my suicide attempts, etc. I drew a couple pictures for her and we talked about what I had drawn. I felt fine then. At the end of the session, she asked if I felt okay, and I said yeah, I'm fine. She said, alright, well a lot of people feel a little upset after talking about stuff like this (or something like that). But I really did feel fine, and I left. I think that right now I'm beginning to experience the effects of today...I feel as if something has been opened in me again...

And seeing Kate. Oh my god. She was walking from the direction of Cody's townhouse, and fuck I just wanted to rip her face off. She's still a fucken ugly bitch. She's even uglier than I remember. nasty, nasty, nasty...nasty. die die die die....ooooh God.

I read someone elses diary last night - it was a guy's I think. Actually I can't remember what the hell I'm talking about but I read SOMETHING that mentioned a guy whose girlfriend had broken up with him, and he still loved her to death. He even planned the murder of her new boyfriend, and I think that was supposed to be a bad thing in the story (ooh! I think it was a short story I read?). Anyway, all I could think was, Yeah...I've done that before. I had my entire plan mapped out, down to the place, time, weapon, my innocence plead. I actually still could pull it off. Well...no, I couldn't. My therapist would probably vouch for me being stable right now, and that my crime is in fact NOT a result of insanity. Stupid bitch, she's supposed to be on MY side!

Ooookkay. I need to breathe. I need to sleep, that is what I need dammit.

God I miss him...I miss the sex...I miss everything...fuck damn shit fuck fuck fuck

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