Today was one of those days that felt too good to be real. Not that anything extraordinary happened at all. It was a normal day, in all respects, but something inside of me felt vastly different. Maybe it's the new hair, or maybe I really am getting better. Maybe I am getting over him. No, I still miss him like crazy. Maybe I have matured. Something is different here, and I have no idea what it is, and it's actually driving me beserk trying to pinpoint why I am so...happy...I think it's the hair.
And the fact that tomorrow is *friday* which means I am going to see Save the Last Dance with Cody.
And the fact that school is so goddamned easy that I don't even have to pay attention...so now I can slack as usual, and not feel guilty about it. Err, scratch that. Now when I slack, I have nothing depressing to think or write about, so I just end up paying attention, taking notes, and actually *enjoying* my classes.
Marvelous!
In class at SFU I'd write suicide letters. And I still have my suicide box in my closet. It still has all of it's contents in it. Everything in it is for Cody, except for the letter, which is 6 pages long, typed, and addresses every person I thought that was worth addressing.
I realize now that a 6-page suicide letter is an indication of not really wanting to die. Lots of people commit suicide and leave absolutely nothing. Or they do leave a note. A short one. You know..."Mom, Dad,I'm really sorry." When you're writing 6 looong pages with mushy "I love you so much, thank you for everything you ever did for me" crap...you know you'd rather live than anything else on this earth...you just don't know where to turn anymore.
I really think Cody should sing this song to me:
Girl, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby/Shorty, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Girl, you�re my friend when I�m in need, lady
Life is one big party when you�re still young/But who�s gonna have your back when it�s all done/It�s all good when you�re little, you have pure fun/Can�t be a fool, son, what about the long run/Looking back Shorty always mention/Said me not giving her much attention/She was there through my incarceration/I wanna show the nation my appreciation
Girl, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby/Shorty, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Girl, you�re my friend when I�m in need, lady
You�re a queen and so you should be treated/Though you never get the lovin� that you needed/Could have left, but I called and you heeded/Takin� a beatin�, mission completed/Mama said that I and I dissed the program/Not the type to mess around with her emotion/But the feeling that I have for you is so strong/Been together so long and this could never be wrong
Girl, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby/Shorty, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Girl, you�re my friend when I�m in need, lady
Girl, in spite of my behavior, said I�m your savior/(You must be sent from up above)/And you appear to me so tender, say girl I surrender/(Thanks for giving me your love)
Now life is one big party when you�re still young/And who�s gonna have your back when it�s all done/It�s all good when you�re little, you have pure fun/Can�t be a fool, son, what about the long run/Looking back Shorty always mention/Said me not giving her much attention/She was there through my incarceration/I wanna show the nation my appreciation
Girl, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby/Shorty, you�re my angel, you�re my darling angel/Girl, you�re my friend when I�m in need, lady
--"Angel", by Shaggy--
Wouldn't that work so perfectly? Cody being young, screwing around and having fun, but I have his back, and I'm the one who'll stick by him...
*sigh*
~Kris
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