Depression feels like your mind has been smothered by a hazy gray cloud that you cannot completey get rid of. Sometimes, if you're lucky, light begins to shine through, and the haze clears and you can see through it to a world so different than what you know, but you never can participate in that world. Before you know it the clouds blow in again, thicker than ever, and you're trapped in the darkness of your own mind once again. Your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy, and to be trapped in an ongoing maze with your worst enemy is absolute torture. You can't get past it, you can't escape it, if there was some way out of this maze I'm sure I would have found it by now. That sheet of hazy gray cloud shields the normal world from my eyes and from my mind, and instead I'm stuck in some sort of hellbound realm of sadness and pain.Today at Langara I saw a lot of cute guys, but the snob in me has emerged once again and I just can't help thinking that they aren't smart enough for me. If there is one thing a guy has to be, it is intelligent (or at least intelligent enough to carry on a decent conversation), and I just look at these college guys and think, Yeah well he's cute, but he's probably a slacker. Then I remind myself that I too am at college for the time being, and they very well may be in the same position as I am. But it's hard to shake the "He's at college because he didn't have good enough grades to get into University" feeling. I know that's so untrue, because good grades can really mean diddly squat sometimes, and some of the smartest people I know didn't do well in high school. So my own thoughts completely contradict what I know is true and what is untrue. Did that make sense?
My future daughters are Amber and Viviane. I haven't picked middle names yet, because I am still toying with a few other first names. Vanessa, Britney (I like the nickname Brit), Ashley.
Viviane Ashley Callon. That sounds so pretty.
I WILL marry that boy.
On the radio coming home from school this evening Sarah Feurguson, Duchess of York claimed that "nothing feels as good as losing weight". And we wonder why so many girls are anorexic. With messages like that being spewed at us left, right and center, it's a wonder we're not all dead by now. What a crock of shit...a hell of a lot of things feel better than losing weight. I don't think you could pay me to say that ever, let alone on the radio. Knowing that I'm sending a horrible message to people everywhere would be enough of a guilt trip for me, thanks.
But I guess Duchess' can do whatever the hell they want and still have a good rep cuz I mean...Duchess! Hello. It's like a guy getting a bad rep for being a player, and then Prince William acceptably screwing tons of girls on his camping trip. Okay, so that was from the National Enquirer. But I figure those stories must have stemed from SOME kind of truth at some point.
Hell if I were Prince Wil I'd do it too. A bad-ass member of royalty...who could ask for anything more?
I miss Cody to death right now. I wish I could tell him about my first day at Langara, but he hasn't called me back (I left a message on his machine). I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be. I love that boy way too much...why can't he see what he is missing. =*(
I am so tired I feel as if I'm about to drop dead. And it's only Monday.
I just wish I could talk to him. I need to cry but I can't.
Goodnight all
~Kris
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