Cody actually paged me, but it wasn't a good conversation at all. One of those conversations where he sounds as if he isn't really listening to a word I'm saying. I think all he said the entire time was "yeah", "uh huh", "yup", "nope". He read the letter I wrote him and the poem too, but he didn't really say anything about it. Maybe he just doesn't give a shit. I would care if someone took the time to write ME a poem, but oh yeah, I remember now, boys are incapable of feeling anything remotely sensitive; those cold-blooded, cold-hearted creatures from hell.Okay maybe there are some good guys out there. I find it hard to believe, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. For now at least.
I really hate the song "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child. It's so annoying. I think if I hear another song like, "I buy my own rings! I don't need a man! I pay my own bills!" I'm gonna puke. Give me a break.
Not to say that women need men. I'm just sick of all these cheesy songs by 17-year-old rich kids being all like, "girl power!". Fuck, it's just like...shut up already. Yeah if I had money like you do I could buy my own fucken rings too, bitch.
Sorry.
I'm not feeling especially pensive at the moment. I don't have a lot to say. Just the general I miss Cody, life sucks, I feel sick, I don't want to go to sleep, my parents are bothering me, I'm fat kind of deal.
My therapist wants me to come to our next session with some experiences of mine that I think have affected me spiritually and made me the person I am (a person deeper and more soulful than Cody). I can think of a few, but I don't know if they're good enough. I'm afraid she's expecting some sort of amazing spiritual moment, when all I have to say is, "Uh...I saw poor Gypsy boys on the streets in Italy crying and asking for money." Or, "One day at SFU I was bawling my eyes out and some guy came up and handed me a chocolate and told me he hoped that it would make me happy." For some reason that really affected me. I mean, I didn't even know the guy. But he came right up to me, asked me if I was okay, and gave me a chocolate. He was so sweet. I think that made me realize that somewhere out there, there really are good people in the world; people who have enough heart to care for those other than themselves. People who find love and happiness in giving to those who are less fortunate. Sometimes I think that guy was an angel, because not only was his act angelic, but he was absolutely gorgeous - tall, dark haired, with big, deep brown eyes. I think God sent me an angel that day, just to help me realize that not everyone on earth is out to get me. That happiness is somewhere, I just have to find it.
I could tell my therapist all of that. But I won't. I'm still a little iffy when it comes to psychology. After Mr. Asshole counsellor, I just can't believe Deb is so...understanding. And she's smart. I think Mr. Asshole lacked a few important things...like maybe a DEGREE TO BE A COUNSELLOR...
I have to go now...gotta get some sleep. Big day tomorrow, as Cody said. First day at a new school. It's going to be so weird. I'm excited though. I think my classes will be better than last semseters. And I'm curious about my French by correspondence...I wonder what exactly I'll have to do. I guess I will find everything out tomorrow...BIG day. Hm.
~I feel just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground, I'm pulled down by the undertow, never thought I could feel so low...In all darkness, I feel like letting go...If all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place, I know I could love you much better than this - Full of Grace - my love~
~Kris
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