I am so upset right now and I am trying to calm down. I'm trying not to cry but I can't stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks. I try to control my breathing but it still comes out short and gaspy every once in a while, and I try not to think that I wish I were dead but the thoughts creep into my mind as if they're in my bloodstream and slowly flowing into my brain to infest every last cell in it. I try not to want to cut my arms or call him back or scream at the top of my lungs, and the only thing stopping me from doing all three is forcing myself into this chair and making myself type. To sit here in the dark and watch the letters appear on the screen as if by magic - can't feel my fingers moving across the keyboard - too numb. I could type and type forever, if it would only take away the pain. Nothing seems to take away the pain for good though. Sometimes I think that everything will be okay and that I am getting better, but everything is still inside me and I just wish there were some sort of drink I could swallow that would flush out all the evil in my body, and leave me with nothing but what I want to feel and what I want to have and what I want to see.I know I am uglier than all of my friends and I know that some people think I'm a freak. Who am I kidding, I am. One of my goals for therapy is to work on having a higher self-esteem. Another one is to be able to feel as if I have power and control over my life. I gave my power away to Cody and lost a lot of my own identity with that. I need to gain that back. I need to work on giving people space, because my mother does not give me space and that is what pushes me further and further away from her. What my mom does to me, I do to Cody, and that's where I learned it from.
I just swallowed my pill and I feel as if I'm going to throw it up all over again. I wish I were alone right now, so I could scream and cry and nobody would care. I just want to be LEFT ALONE. I wish I had a lock on my door. Well, I wish a lot of things but nothing ever turns out my way does it...
I feel like I just want to die so badly so I am just going to keep writing. I cannot and will not move off this chair or I'm just going to break down. Must keep typing. What else can I say?
I can't see how Cody doesn't love me anymore. I just don't understand it. I love him so, so much. I already know what I want to get him for Valentine's Day but I think it'll be too expensive. I'll have to check it out tomorrow. I would need to get started on it now if I'm going to give it to him. I want to spend Valentine's Day with him so badly, but the chances of that are slim.
I hate that fucking bitch Kate. I hate her so much. I still hope she dies. I wish she had died in Mexico. I hope she still gets sick from that place. I hope she comes down with some sort of terrible disease tomorrow and they have to amputate everything, until they realize it's got to her brain and aw, that's too bad she'll have to die all cut up into little pieces. HAHAHAHAHA.
I don't think this pain and agony is ever going to end. As long as I don't have him, I will be in constant pain.
I just want to die right now.
Please, somebody, anybody, put me out of my misery. Please. I wish I could do anything to stop it, I wish there was just something I could do. I wish I could trade brains with someone so that I couldn't think these things anymore. I wish I could trade ANYTHING with someone, just so that I was a different person. I wish I had the courage to kill myself but I just don't, and I wish I could throw up everything inside of me but I can't do that either. I can't do anything. All I can do is sit on my lazy fat ass and type on this keyboard.
If I were only given some sort of sign that life is worth living. There are signs everywhere but they are not good enough. If Cody would just love me, that would be my sign. I'd know things are okay again. I'd know I have a future and I'd know I could get better. I'd know I'd have someone who'd be there for me and I'd know that someone on this earth loves me, that there is a God, and that my life had purpose and meaning. I would be satisfied. I wouldn't feel this constant guilt and shame and frustration and the worst kind of heartache. I wouldn't feel as if every challenge represented the end of my life, and I wouldn't feel like the ugly monster that I really am. At least that would be masked with feelings that I'm cute enough for him to love me, and I'm accepted.
I've been rejected by the love of my life, and I've been rejected from the world itself. There is nothing here that makes me happy anymore. Nobody wants a person like me around, and nobody will listen. Nobody cares, and nobody understands. If I could feel like any more of a failure than I do right now, I think I'd be under 6 feet of dirt already.
Krista Mae. Blonde hair, green eyes, 18 years old. Loved to read, loved to write, loved to play field hockey. She had a fair amount of friends though she was rather shy through high school. Fell in love at the age of 16 with Cody, and then proceeded to fall into depression after their messy breakup in September. She was a smart girl, always getting good grades and even earning a scholarship to her university of choice. She admired those who could perform, and among her favourite activities she liked attending ballets and musicals and plays with her mom, aunts and cousins. She also enjoyed attending her cousin's dance recitals. She was a conscious girl, who cared about her appearance and spent lots of time doing the teenage girl "thing" - clothes, makeup, magazines. She had a unique and misunderstood soul, and it is a shame her life ended so tragically. Though I suppose she is in a better place now, somewhere that she wanted to be. Somewhere where she is happy and she can finally fulfill her dreams, whatever they may be. Sometimes the world is just too cruel a place, even for those who sided with the odds.
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