I miss Cody already and I only left his house about half an hour ago. I was a good girl though; I didn't wait around his house afterwards bawling my eyes out, and I didn't bother him. I mean, I was bawling my eyes out, but not until I was safely in my car and driving down the street. Then I drove around Richmond for a while, but it wasn't as pleasant as usual because rush hour was beginning and I actually had to pay attention to the road (hard to do when it's raining, you're sobbing, and slow jams are playing at full blast in your car). So instead I went down to the dike and drove around there for a while...until I went by an area that I recongnized as the place Cody and I parked one night. Then I started crying harder, couldn't take it anymore, and parked a little ways down and stared out at the dirty Fraser River for a while until I calmed down. I'm home now, but I don't know how I'm going to get through dinner tonight without my parents harrassing me, because I really have no appetite. I don't think I'll be eating for a while.It must be nice to be someone who is so popular and content with their life. To have lots of friends and fear so little. To not worry so much about every step you take, and to actually work towards goals you know you want to achieve in life.
This Friday I am going to my first therapy session. I don't think I could look forward to anything any LESS. No, I take that back. I looked towards last night and today with with dread, knowing Cody is leaving.
Now that all my Christmas wishes didn't come true, and I am not with Cody, all those fantasies now transfer to the end of the year. April. Cody will come home for months, and maybe then we can be together. Maybe we can even go to SFU together again and live together.
My New Years resolutions should be to exercise, to sleep properly, eat properly, take my medicine, go to therapy, concentrate on my school work, etc. You know, things that I should be doing anyways. But I'm messed up remember? So those are now things I'm incapable of doing. Instead though, my New Years relsolutions are really about Cody. But what can I do? If there was something I knew to do or say that would bring him back to me I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I don't know what that is. So I suppose my "resolutions" are not things I can work for. They are only dreams that I want to magically come true.
I just hope that someday God will shine his light down on me for a change and help me through this, and bring my baby back.
I have so much hatred for my mom. I've never disliked her more that I have in the last couple months. Just hearing her downstairs in the kitchen makes me freeze up, and I can feel the annoyance running through my blood. I wish sometimes that she'd just go away. I'm sick of being pestered about every movement I make. I'm sick of being looked out for. I can handle things on my own, I don't need her to cater on me like she does. I need to be LEFT ALONE. Maybe I wouldn't depend on other people so much if my parents hadn't spoiled me rotten. So perhaps this whole thing really IS their fault.
Savage Garden says in Affirmation, "I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do." True. Too bad that their best wasn't really the best for me.
I need Cody...I need to feel his arms around me again...I miss him so badly. I feel like another part of my chest has been ripped out again. Pretty soon I'm not going to have any heart left.
~Krista
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