Strangely enough, the suicide movie didn't have quite the impact I wanted it to have on me. I expected to cry and at least relate to the girls' feelings. The movie kind of sucked actually. It was totally open-ended, I mean in the end you barely even know why they all killed themselves! They just sort of...do. Fuck that. All it did was make me wanna have sex (one of the girls is a slut and screws different guys on her roof every night). Not that I want to be like her, but God, I miss Cody. I feel like running to his house right now, away from here...my parents have been driving me up the wall today...I can't even go out like a normal person without them thinking I'm being depressed and going to hurt myself. I could barely go the the MOVIE STORE without my Mom asking, "Are you having a 'down' time?". Just because I asked if they would still be downstairs later on, because I wanted to watch the movie alone!! Just because I want to be ALONE they think that means I must be abnormal and there is something wrong with me. GOD HELP ME I am SICK of this crap, I want to just be left ALONE for once. If I could in any way miss my experience at SFU I miss the freedom of living in an area without my parents nagging me 24/7.This is how my last week has been. I go to bed at around 4 am and wake up at around 2 pm. I get up, go on the computer and maybe eat a little something, still in my pajamas. Around 5 pm I have a shower. By the time I'm out of the shower it's time for dinner, so I eat dinner, and if I'm already dressed my parents will start to harrass me like, "Where are you going?!" as if putting on pants and makeup means I'm about to run away. If I haven't dressed I go upstairs to get dressed, and any parental contact after that will result in the harrassment mentioned above. Then I will talk to my friends on ICQ or on the phone and plan to go out. I go out, usually feel mildly upset by the end of the night because I miss Cody, come home, write in here or surf the net for an hour or two, then I get ready for bed and read or fantasize until I feel that it's time I go to bed. That is my life. I am basically nocturnal. I don't exercise, I barely eat, and I sleep way too much.
My mom keeps mentioning the whole therapist thing to me, and it is driving me nuts. Yes mother...thank you for reminding me every single day for no important reason that I am fucked up and need therapy.
I wonder if my parents are ashamed of me? Are they embarrassed that their daughter is depressed? Cody said once that they would be. I know he didn't mean it to be mean like that. But now that I think about it it basically means I am an embarrassment to my family. Or maybe he was saying a suicide would be embarrassing. Whatever, same thing. I guess in some way people would look at it and think that it was their fault; that they made some mistake in raising me. I don't think that is necessarily an unfair assumption.
Something I really, really hate is being interrupted. What could be more rude? When you interrupt you are basically saying, Uh, sorry, but you're getting really boring and I'd rather not hear your voice anymore. It shows you clearly have no interest in what they are talking about and you figure your own selfishness is much more interesting than whatever they were talking about to begin with.
I am so angry at everything. I need a punching bag. I would beat the shit out of it.
~Kris
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