Sean Connery's character says in the movie, "First, don't think. Just write." He says that every first draft is not meant for thought, it's meant to just be every word you can scribble out that is in your head, absolutely anything, you just have to let it flow and not give a damn. It's when you edit your first draft that you apply the brains to it. As he says, as you write the first draft, you don't use your brain, you use your heart. I could relate to that so well. Ms. Tyre told me the exact same thing when I was writing my essay for the scholarship. And I just know that it is true.

Cody told me a while ago that he doesn't like to read my letters because all I do is ramble on about stuff. I am good at that, because I can write whatever I am thinking. I don't think when I write. Every thought in my head and every feeling deep in my heart I can express through words, but have so much trouble speaking them. It's when I write that I can unleash everything that pops into my head, and I don't pretend - I am just me. Okay I admit sometimes I pretend, but never, ever on this diary. I used to write a lot of stories (or, excuse me, START a lot of stories) where I'd have this perfect life and I'd be so happy...but happy people get boring fast.

I want to be a writer so badly, but I just don't think I have what it takes. I mean, yeah, I can write. I can get out what I want to say. But it all comes out so jumbly and confusing and it just doesn't have that...impact, you know? I know what I lack. I lack subltey. Is that how you spell it? Probably not. But you know what I mean - I can write what I feel, but in a way that's the problem. I come right out and say it. I explain it down to the very essence of it so I leave nothing to the imagination. There is no mystery to my writing, there is no method. I wish I could learn how to fix that.

I don't want to be a writer who spews out a new book every couple months though. No, that is trash. I want to spend a long, long time writing my book, or maybe I will write more than one, but they will definitely take a long time to write. It would mean so much more to me if I could put my heart and soul into it, instead of publishing trash just for cash (haha). I couldn't make a living out of writing anyways, I am not good enough. I would write as a hobby, you know, one of those things you always wanted to do with your life but never got around to doing, and when you're 60 and retired you think, God, I wish I had done that. It's the thing that will sit in the back of my mind for the rest of my life, as I go on to teach or do whatever else I want to, but inside, I will always think, Geez I wish I had the talent to write a book. Even a collection of short stories, anything.

People say you should follow your dreams. Following your dreams is a very scary thing to do. Cody is who I want to be with, and I have not given up on him because I feel in my heart that he is who I love. I don't think it's right to give up on something as strong as love. I know if I give up, more than anything when I'm 60 I'll be thinking, God...I wonder where Cody is now?

This is making me depressed; thinking of being 60 and without him.

Tomorrow is the last night I will see Cody for a long while, because he is going back up to SFU on Wednesday night. I am so, so sad. I am starting to cry right now just thinking about it. How am I going to take this? How am I going to live? When we were together we rarely went more than a day without seeing each other. Even after we broke up I still saw him almost every day. This is going to be a very big change for me, and I am so, so scared and depressed. I feel right now like I just want to run away.

How did I go from wanting to be a writer and striving to fulfil my dreams to feeling suicidal again? It all happens so fast.

I guess when I see myself writing, I see myself as being with him. Our own house, babies, and careers. Our own lives. Together.

God I will do anything you ask me to. I'd give up so many things for this, you know I would. Please. I just want my skish back. =*(

It's been a really long and really tiring day. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. In fact, I look upon the future with dread and fear. I am scared. I am sad. And it seems as if there is nothing I can do about it.

~Krista


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