I wish I were hospitalized. LOL, I just wrote "hospitalized" because I had left the sentence unfinished for like half an hour, and by the time I came back to writing this all I had was "ho-" and I couldn't remember what I was going to say. And the first word that came to mind was hospitalized. God, I do NOT wish I was hospitalized! What on earth am I thinking. Hmm...I wish I were hopeful. Nah, that doesn't work well...I wish I were honest? I wish I were horrific - oops, too late for that!

Anyways. I just gave Cody this web address so he could read my diary if he ever wanted to. 10 bucks says he never will.

My new shirt is ruined because I got it wet last night and it hadn't set long enough. Fuck. I feel like I want to cry but I can't. I am scared to get upset because my mom claims to be able to "feel what I feel", and whenever I am upset she knows I am, no matter where I am. Fuck that. That makes me so angry because it only makes me feel harrassed even more. Like fuck, can't I even be upset ALONE and not have people know?? Why is she everywhere I go, she never goes away, God that makes me so, so mad...I am never alone, she is always right down my back, god LEAVE ME ALONE. If I want to die, God why don't you just let me? I don't want their help. I only want Cody's help and if he can't help me, then that's really too bad. I used to be such a nice girl, what happened to me? I used to be someone people wanted to be around. I think. I used to have a boy that adored me, and I used to have things to live for. I just want to get away.

I am so jealous of Carmen going to New Zealand. I want to go away like that so badly. I wish I could just pack my bags, board a plane and end up in France...in Nice, France. Right on the beautiful blue Mediterranean, and I could live in a cozy little apartment looking out at the beach and sea, and I could just chill. I could sit by my window and write all day, and I wouldn't have to eat much, I wouldn't have any responsibilities. Okay, I know I would kill myself missing Cody. But I would call him and write to him. That is where my money would go, long distance calls. I don't need food. I need heat, and a phone. No more medicine, no more anything. I'll rename myself - I will be known as Angelique, the strange and mysterious English speaking girl who lives in her little apartment and rarely comes out. Unless it's a stormy day and I want to go walk on the beach.

I love angry waves. I love the ocean, because I fear it. I have always said the ocean is my biggest fear, and it is - I won't go swimming in it, unless I'm in shallow waters in Hawaii where I can see the bottom. I love the ocean because it is so unpredictable. It is so angry. I love to watch the wind rip through the water and the waves crash against rocks and burst up into the air, as if they're screaming or something...I can hear the ocean's cries. The ocean doesn't call for help though. It's not weak. When it is angry or sad it just lets everything go wild, and it can scream and thrash and go crazy without anyone trying to calm it down. Nobody can mess with the ocean. I wish I had that sort of strength.

I am so upset. My shirt is ruined. My New Years was pretty much ruined too. I should have listened to my horoscope and not tried to call too much attention to myself. Oh well, I have been known not to take good advice anyways. I wish I didn't feel this obligation to be happy and want to rebuild my life, just because it is the New Year. Screw that. Screw 2001, I hope it's every bit as shitty as the last year has been. No, I don't. If I can be with Cody again, then all will be good. Oooh, Cody, that is another reason I'm upset. Love him, can't have him. Want to cut myself, but I don't. Want to cry, but can't. Want to sleep, but I'm afraid. Want to see Cody tonight but will probably have to go to aunts house. Wish my parents would just leave me alone. Wish I LIVED alone. Wish I could go back in time...wish I could rent Virgin Suicides, but I can't, because my parents will be like, "Why are you watching a movie about suicides?" and they'll be all stupid about it. I can't do ANYTHING NORMAL. WHY?! Oh yeah! Because I'm NOT normal! Cody is so normal and I am such a screw up. Maybe I should find a guy who is just as screwed up as me. Who wants a girl with baggage? Only a guy who has baggage of his own and understands.

Like Mimi and Roger in RENT - "Life's too short babe, time is flyin', I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

Or maybe it works the other way around, and someone with baggage wants a normal person so that they can feel normal too.

My sandwich has been sitting here for an hour now and I haven't even touched it.

I'm gonna go now. I just feel sick. Not to my stomach, even though I was pretty wasted last night. For some reason that tequila didn't make me sick. Maybe the three beers I had after saved me. I feel sick because I don't know what to do about my shirt, I don't know what to do about myself...I just don't know what to do about anything.

Bye.

~Krista

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