And the mountains disappeared,

If the seas ran dry, turned to dust

And the sun refused to rise

I would still find my way,

By the light I see in your eyes

The world I know fades away

But you stay

As the earth reclaims it due

And the cycle starts anew

We'll stay, always

In the love that we have

Shared before time

If the years take away

Every memory that I have

I would still know the way

That would lead me back to your side

The north star may die

But the light that I see in your eyes

Will burn there always

Lit by the love we have

Shared before time

When the forest turns to jade

And the stories that we've made

Dissolve away

One shining light will still remain

When we shed our earthly skin

And when our real life begins

There'll be no shame

Just the love that we have made before time

I really love that song. It's called "A Love Before Time" by CoCo Lee. It is from the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon soundtrack.

I am starting to look forward to New Years. At least we have a place to go now - Carmen's. I think it will be fun. My horoscope told me not to try to draw too much attention to myself on New Years Eve, even though I will want to, because the possibility of embarassment is high. Uh oh. Cody is bringing one of his track friends so... =( I don't like Sean (his roommate) much, and I know they will be together a lot and that means less time I get to hang out with Cody. I will never get to be with Cody without Sean right there. Fuck. That upsets me, but you know what - I am not going to let it ruin my night.

My mom thinks me going out with my friends is a bad idea. She wants me to do something with the family on New Years, because she thinks that Cody will upset me or something. I need to get out of this house SO bad. I'm sick of being under 24 hour supervision. I'm sick of the harassment. I just want to be left alone, to do my own thing, and not have them crawling down my back whenever I go out, and worrying every second where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc. I am 18 years old for God's sake. I mean...yes I'm depressed and I was suicidal, and I understand the concern but...it is so frustrating for me. Knowing my mom is upset and worried and crying at home makes ME upset, and ruins my night.

I tried to go out to the library today, and I was so comfortable on the nice chairs at Ironwood, reading...and then my mom pages me. So I had to leave my books on the chair and hope nobody would come and put them back, go outside and find a pay phone, and call my mom...and she was crying, asking where I was. I was like, "Ironwood Library. Like I said." She's like, what are you doing? I'm like, "I'm reading." Then she starts asking me if I'm going to hurt myself and stuff! And like, promise me, bla bla bla, as if I'm planning to run away...that completely ruined my night, so I just went home. I was so angry with her when I got home. I came in and said, "Instead of having you paging me and worrying all night I decided I may as well come home and read here, since I can't seem to go anywhere else like a normal person." Then I went upstairs. Then she came into my room later while I was getting ready to go out and was crying AGAIN and was like, "You know you can talk to us, bla bla bla.." and going on about how she had bad feelings about me lately and felt like I was upset (which is actually true, but at the time I was perfectly fine)...my mother drives me insane. I can't stand to be here any longer. She is so, SO annoying, and nosy, and AHHHHHH. Can't I just be normal?! Can't I live my own life and go out where I want and see who I want and live my own life?! Christ.

"Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple is a great song too, with great lyrics. Maybe I'll put them in sometimes. Hell, why not now.

Love ridden I've looked at you

With the focus I gave to my birthday candles

I've wished on the lidded blue flames

Under your brow

And baby I wished for you

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed

And I wanna crawl in with you

But I cry instead

I want your warmth

But it will only make me colder when it's over

So I can't tonight, baby

No, not "baby" anymore,

If I need you

I'll just use your simple name

Only kisses on the cheek from now on

And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

My hand won't hold you down no more

The path is clear to follow through

I stood too long in the way of the door

And now I'm giving up on you

No, not "baby" anymore,

If I need you

I'll just use your simple name

Only kisses on the cheek from now on

And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

No, not "baby" anymore,

If I need you

I'll just use your simple name

Only kisses on the cheek from now on

And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

I miss Cody sooo much...this is never going to go away...why can't I just have him here to hold me...I miss his hugs, his kisses, his everything. I already prayed to God today to bring him back to me...but I always do that...I wish God could tell me what I'm doing wrong?

~Krista

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