Have you ever wished you could trade places with someone? And I don't mean Britney Spears or something. I mean a close friend. I think Shannon realized for the first time that I was really messed up when I told her a couple months ago that I always wished I was her. And it is true. I clearly remember thinking that as a young girl, as young as 9 or 10. I always wondered what it'd be like to be her for a day. As our lives progressed and she turned out to be prettier and more popular than me, I wanted to be her even more. I guess I never really clued in that this all meant I was unhappy with myself. It's hard to believe my problems started happening at such a young age. Well, the minor problems. If it hadn't been for Cody I think I'd be semi-normal.In January I am starting to see a therapist who was recommended to my Mom by some lady who has manic depression. Apparently this therapist is really great, but I am scared. Maybe scared isn't the right word. I know what I am - I am ashamed. Am I really that messed up? I mean I know I am, but God...isn't it enough I have to take medication everyday to keep me sane? Now I have to go to therapy?! If you could look up the phrase "screwed up" in a dictionary, you'd find me there. Definition: Krista after her boyfriend dumped her.
I weighed myself today and I have gained back 6 lbs that I'd lost. I KNEW I felt fatter. My thighs are flabbier again. What am I supposed to do? =*(
I miss Cody so much. Just writing his NAME makes me miss him. Cody. Cody. Cody. He is supposed to be my baby =( I don't want to live without him any longer...I can't...I can't take this anymore. I love him so much. I can just feel his arms around me right now...I can hear his voice...everything about him makes me melt inside. I can't fall asleep anymore without fantasizing and getting myself into "krista's dream world", where he loves me, and I love him, and even though there are so many problems everywhere, our love is strong enough to get through anything. He tells me he will always be here for me, and he'll stay with me no matter what...like he had always said to me before in real life.
One thing I really hate about myself is that I can express myself so well on paper, but I suck at talking. I can't even talk to my friends normally, I always stumble over my words and feel so weird...everything is inside of me but I just can't speak it. I can write it. I think writing is my calling, even though I don't really have a talent. It just my only way of successful expression, so that must mean something. If I am going to voice my opinion in any way, it is going to have to be through writing.
This has been on my mind and I wasn't going to do this, but now that I have the urge I think I will anyways. Kim, if you're reading this, I just want to say that I feel so, so bad that you are cutting yourself. I don't know what to say really, because to say to you that you should stop would be so hypocritical, because I know fully well that if I stopped taking my medicine I would do it too. I guess when I hear you say you're cutting yourself, I think back to when I did that, and I just feel as if I need to help you, but I don't know how to do that. I should know how, now that I don't do it myself anymore, but I am still in the process of getting better and I don't think I'm quite in the position yet to really know what it takes to get someone to realize that it is such a bad thing to do. I just feel so bad to hear that you are in that much pain, and I know this probably will not make you stop but, in the long run it does not help you. I know it feels like it does, and I have urges all the time to do it to ease the pain, but it really doesn't. In the long run it is only making you worse. By hurting yourself you're only losing even more self-respect, and to get over this kind of stuff we need to learn to love ourselves. I still don't really know what I'm saying but...I just had to say it bothers me and hurts me to hear that you're doing that, and I really, really wish there could be something I could say or do to help you. Well, medicine is working for me, so maybe it would help you too.
I remember you told me that when people cut themselves on their arms they are calling out for attention. That is so true. When I cut myself, it was all for attention. I even went to the length of wrapping gauze around my wrists after and wearing short sleeved shirts to almost show it off, in a sense. I was begging for people to notice and care. By getting better, one of the hardest things for me has been the lack of attention. When you start to get better, people are no longer freaking out, and you lose all that attention you once had. I just hope you know that I care about you a lot, and so do so many other people, and if you don't cut yourself, it won't make us care any less or anything. I'm not trying to say that's what you think, but I'm just saying that is personally how I thought. I think a lot of the time I want to hurt myself again because I miss being crazy and I miss the attention. But I know that I don't need to do that, because I have people like you and so many others that still care about me just as much.
I guess I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I am just worried about you, and I hope things improve soon. You know that things can only get better. People used to say that to me all the time and I thought, "yeah right". But I do believe that now. With friends and support and maybe a little medicine, I think anyone can beat depression ;)
Anyways, I'm really tired, so I gotta go to bed...I can't believe it's 3am! Shit.
So much for my plans to exercise tomorrow morning, that is SO not happening.
Did I say already I gained 6 lbs? I think I did. Fuck.
Goodnight to all...
~Krista
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