I went to the mall today with Cody and Lindsey, and we met Shan and Dan there. It was all good until the other guys showed up and Cody left us to be with them. I was upset, and I still am. I want to see him tomorrow before he leaves to go skiing again but he says he is busy and doesn't want to. He was so nice the other day, and now he is mean again. I was bawling my eyes out a few minutes ago but I've calmed down now. I don't sleep very well or eat very well anymore. I was starting to get better because I had got my hopes up about Christmas break with Cody, and now that the break is coming to an end in a week and my dreams have not come true, I am falling back into depression. I am crying right now, actually.
Sometimes I want to flush my pills down the toilet and pretend I am still taking them, just so I can cut myself again and have a way of getting my feelings out. I try to write, I try to paint, I try everything and nothing works as well as cutting and scratching did. My mind would focus on the physical pain and it was something I could DO about my anger...now I just lay on my bed and cry and I feel like I want to die but I just can't move; I can't do anything. I hate frustration.
Jamil just told me Cody doesn't talk about me much to them. He has just told them that he thinks I'm a bit better now. I wonder if he means "better" as in getting over him or "better" as in better with the depression. Because I am definitely not over him.
I am hungry but I really feel nauseous. I was almost sick at the mall today, all the people made me feel so clausterphobic and I was like, overheating in every store. It was shitty, the shopping wasn't even good. I bought one shirt and on sale it wasn't that cheap, it was still $25, and I am probably going to screw it up anyways when I try to iron a design on it.
My parents want me to eat now and I have to take my pill anyways. I feel like a mental patient who has to take her medication every day to stay sane...oh wait, that is what I am. I am such a freak.
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