Hawaii was fun, at least for the first little bit. The weather was beautiful, and Maui itself is just a gorgeous island. The trip was fun, but after the third day I started to have trouble sleeping again. By the time the last couple days rolled around I was back into full blown depression at night...

It's kinda strange because I had never really experienced that before; being depressed only as I tried to fall asleep, but now it is worse than ever...I cannot fall asleep, it takes me hours, and I usually worry myself to death and start to cry...and then I have bad dreams that wake me up at least twice during the night. I am just so exhausted right now, it's awful. I want to stay home alone tonight and mope around and sleep but my mom is forcing me to go to my aunts house for Christmas dinner. I know it is Christmas and all but...fuck. I don't want to see everyone. I just saw them last night and that was uncomfortable enough. I hate knowing that my entire family knows I am depressed, yet no one says anything, they just all look at me with this sympathy or curiousity or something and everyone hugs and kisses me and it's like I'm some sort of delicate package or something...I just felt so uncomfortable last night...I have never felt super close to my family (immediate AND non-immediate) so this sudden love and care is too much for me. It actually annoys me a lot. I just wanna be alone, but I can't. I wish nobody knew any of this...I mean not my friends, but my family. Arrgh.

For Christmas I didn't get the one thing that I really wanted, which was money for a field hockey stick. Actually, my aunt DID give me $50 cash so I suppose I will use that for a new stick. But she didn't know I wanted a stick and my parents did, so I am surprised I didn't get that, considering that is the one single thing I told them I wanted. Weird. Oh well. I got a lot of money for Richmond Center so I can go shopping and buy a whole bunch of things I really don't need but I will buy anyways because of Boxing Day Sales. If I were smart I'd save all of my certificates and wait for a month or two until there is something I really NEED, like a new pair of jeans or shoes or a certain shirt or something. Right now I guess I could use a shirt or two. Tomorrow the mall will be crazy but I will probably go anyways...with Cody and whoever else...

Things between me and Cody are getting better...we are much better friends now...we went out for coffee yesterday, and I called him today, and he is even paging me tonight when he gets home from his grandma's house! Ahhhh. God I hope on New Years I will get to be with him...I at least want a hug or kiss... =*(

I am so unhappy with my life. I like living in this house and everything, comfort-wise, but I still feel as if I shouldn't be here. I don't want to go to Langara, and I mean I REALLY do not want to. I have no goal or aim or anything whatsoever. Every class except for one at Langara that I want to take is completely full, plus every other class they offer is full, so I am screwed. I just have no "place" anymore. I feel so lost and...it just sucks. Everything in my life has changed and I hate change, with a passion. I just want to go back to the way things were in high school...I didn't know it then, but life was so good. Even though at the time I thought it wasn't, I really had everything I could want. I had a lot of friends, I had a boyfriend, I did good in school...my days had purpose. Now, I have nothing to work for. I have spent the last 4 months working on getting Cody back, and I've made progress this is true, but he still says no. In a week or whatever, he will be back at SFU and I will be here, and I will rarely see him. I am not looking forward to the near future...I am actually very worried and scared. When Cody is nearby I feel at least somewhat safe. With him at SFU and me here and him with all of his track friends, and me NOT there to at least see him with them once in a while, I know I am going to go crazy. I see a lot of tears in my future.

What are my New Years Resolutions? I can think of a million that SHOULD be my resolutions but they all suck. Be happy. Work hard in school and concentrate on it. Don't worry so much about Cody. Bla bla bla. Maybe I just won't make any.

I am going to get SO drunk on New Years.

~Krista


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