I want something to kill me...anything...I hope I get sick and die. I hope tonight when I am asleep something will happen to me and cause me to not breathe. I just ate a whole bunch of food and then made myself throw up. I hate doing that but I do it anyways. Just because. I feel so sick, and so depressed, and I just want to die, I just want to hurt myself so badly right now but I can't anymore...I am so frustrated, so, so frustrated. Before when I was sad or angry I could take it out on myself, and now nothing works, I can't take it out anymore, all I can do it sit here in the dark and listen to piano music and scream into my pillow and stare numbly at myself in the mirror and cry hysterically. I can grab the pillows and blankets and try to rip them apart but I wish I was ripping my own skin but these fucking pills don't let me, I hate this, I don't want to take them anymore, I think I'm going to start flushing them down the toilet instead...today when I took my pill I just burst into tears and felt like everything was just going to come up again. I am such a freak. I am such a monster, why does this have to happen to me...why am I going through the shittiest time of my life. Christmas is a load of shit and all I am going to do on Christmas is cry. I am sick of explaining to people why I am not going to University anymore. And my boyfriend? Nope, we're not together anymore. Are you ok? Yup, I'm good! Great! Could I be anymore insincere? Can I please lie more? Oh, please God, can you make me have to fake another smile again? Can you make me have to explain myself again? I just LOVE that. Can you make Cody back out on me once again, oh come on, just for kicks! Don't you just love to see me cry and scream for hours? It's great, huh! Can you make me endure more months of pain? Please! Can you please let me just sit back and watch the love of my life with other girlfriends? Come on, can you give me more dreams about him? Can you just let me go through months and months of more pills, more tears, more pain, more heartache, knowing he is out drinking and screwing other girls, COME ON! I just LOVE that, don't you?! And I love lying to relatives and friends, Yeah, I'm fine! Everything's good! How are you? Oh, well that's good! Life is great, isn't it?

I can't take this anymore. Cody says, give it time. MORE time, FUCK that, no no NO NO NO I will not give this more time. NO. I hate everything, I hate everything, I hate everything. I hate life I have EVERYTHING. I HATE YOU, I hate you I hate you I hate myself so much. I knew I'd be sad for the rest of my life and I was right! HAH!

Go fake that smile again! Go pretend you are happy! Do something fun tomorrow! Oh, I get it, PRETEND to do something fun tomorrow! Now I understand...

~Krista

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