Last night I talked to Cody and I started crying, and ended up crying myself to sleep...so now my eyes are all puffy and I basically look like hell. When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache, and I just thought to myself, fuck I wish I didn't have to get up...not that I have to, I have no school...but there were things I was supposed to do today.

Things between me and Cody have changed, and I don't know if it's good or not. When I used to cry and be upset before, he'd get so mad, and hang up on me or yell at me. Now, when I cry, he is just quiet, and I think he feels really bad. He even told me the other day that when I tell him I love him and I'm sad and stuff, it makes him feel bad. Is that a good thing? Maybe I will eventually guilt trip him into getting back together with me. Not that THAT is a good thing, but...at least I'd get to hug and kiss him again? I am so desperate. But only for him.

Michelle is trying to set me up with this guy from her work. I don't want to meet him. His name is Justin, and apparently he is really sweet and cute and everything, but I'm so nervous because I met his friend at Matt's and his friend thought I was super hot...so now he has told Justin, and now Justin is like expecting some sort of goddess-girl. When he sees me it'll be like, a disappointment...and if he is expecting him and I to be perfect for each other and to start going out...ack...I don't want him thinking that. I tried to get Michelle to stress to him that I am NOT over my last boyfriend, and I am NOT necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now, that we're just going to be introduced, and that is that. Fuck...maybe I should tell Michelle I don't really want to meet him right now, at least not this week...Cody and I are probably gonna see each other Wednesday (the same day I'm meeting Justin), and I just REALLY do not need two boy problems in one day.

Last night, Cody said, "Krista, I just want to go out for coffee as friends..." and I was like, "I know..." and he's like, "No, you don't...you want to get back together this Christmas, don't you." And I was like, "Well...yeah." And he was just quiet. That actually surprised me. That is so out of Cody's nature. Normally he would say, "Fuck, I've told you a billion times, I don't want to be with you, bla bla bla" and then I'd start crying and say he doesn't have to yell at me, bla bla bla...and so on. But he was just quiet. He never really said anything about NOT getting back together...I swear to God he is feeling guilty whether he wants to or not...and I mean realistically he shouldn't feel guilty at all, it was ME who screwed up, and he's allowed to break up with me if he wants to. I am just way too good at this guilt trip thing. I should be making a living out of it. Okay, maybe I'm not THAT good...I mean it has taken 3 months now. But...maybe that IS good? Cheated on my boyfriend, he broke up with me, we went through hell, he told me he didn't want to talk to me or see me for a very, very long time...and 3 months later I have him feeling bad and actually going out to coffee with me? Bwhahaha.

I don't know who I am anymore.

This is gonna take so long to explain, but I think I will try because I've never fully expressed these feelings in writing OR spoken words so...I'll at least try on here for the first time.

I guess I started to feel "depressed" in about Grade 7. I would have never known it then, but when I look back on when these feelings started, I'd say then. For my entire high school life they just escalated until about Grade 11, when I can say I was probably suffering from Depression, the illness. But I didn't know it...I thought that was who I was. Does that kind of make sense? I was moody. Bitchy. I worried about the littlest things, and got upset over everything. I let just about everything get to me and break me down. I was a perfectionist, and couldn't stand to be told I was wrong. I cried a lot, pouted a lot, sulked a lot. Cody always called me a brat, or a princess...but affectionately. See, I thought that being moody and upset all the time was just...me. I mistaked all of that for my personality. That was Krista. I built my identity and life around that person; I built friends upon it, likes, dislikes, my relationship with Cody, my attitude towards school, and well, my attitude towards EVERYTHING. That was me...and I knew who I was.

When things got out of control and I started trying to kill myself, I knew things were wrong, but still I resisted change. I have always been one to resist change, and wouldn't it scare you to know that the way you've been feeling for like, 5 years, is all going to go away? I didn't know what to expect from taking anti-depressants. I had no idea, actually, because I can honestly say I completely forgot what it felt like to be happy.

Now that the AD's are working, I am so lost. I feel lighter than I have since...well, since I can remember. But I am not Krista anymore. My whole identity is gone. The personality I had used to establish myself has disappeared, and now I find I have some new friends, I have different likes and dislikes, and I handle myself differently. My attitude has done a total 180...who am I now?

Wouldn't it scare you to just...start over? To start yourself over again at the age of 18? To have to rediscover yourself again? I knew myself. As screwed up as I was, I KNEW I was moody and I KNEW I was sad. I accepted the depression as not a sickness I could be cured of, but as my personality, and oh well, deal with it.

A lot of my love for Cody came from the notion of, well, he is clearly the only guy who can deal with me. I'm a bitch, I am pouty, I'm a total brat, and if Cody stayed with me for 2 whole years, obviously he is the One. I thought no other guy could ever handle me the way Cody did, and I would say that to people constantly - to other guys, I'd say, "I really don't think you could deal with me." I have changed so much now that I know if Cody and I tried again, our relationship would be so much different. I don't know if he sees that. When I talk to him, I know there is just so much I could say to him, but actually hearing his voice and especially seeing him just makes me forget everything I had to say...it is only here, when I'm writing, or when I'm alone, that I can think of all that I am feeling, and all that I would love him to know.

I am like a baby starting all over again. In every situation I encounter, I feel like I am in that situation for the first time. I am doing everything I had done before, but I am doing it now with a completely different perspective. It is as if I am looking at the world through different eyes. Everything I do feels like the first time to me, and I get so scared and nervous of little things I would have normally felt comfortable with - like going to a party, hanging out with friends, even laughing. Everything is so new. And in a lot of ways I don't like that.

I think about things a lot, and I admit that there are many times that I wish I could go back to the way I was. I was fucked up, and I was unhappy, but at least I was somebody. At least I had an identity. At least I was comfortable. I feel so lost and empty and exposed. That is just it - exposed and naked. I feel like I've been born again, and though it feels so much lighter, it is also something I am not used to.

When I was sad, I always wished I could be happy and normal like everyone else. I thought that life would be so much easier. In a lot of ways it is. But the actual process of getting better is not easy. It has ups, downs, and a whole bunch of confusion and disorientation. Sometimes I feel completely numb. Void. Empty.

I lie in bed at night, unable to sleep. I lie there and think, what on earth did I do today? And I can barely remember. It is as if I live my life in a dream - everything is hazy and just not...real. I can walk around the mall, write, read, do whatever I want - but at the end of the day, I look back on it and it feels as if I am only watching a movie in my head of a girl doing all of those things, and the girl in the movie isn't me. I just don't feel like Krista anymore. The little girl I see in memories of my childhood isn't me at all. I cannot even imagine that I lived a childhood. I feel as if my life has just started, and I have no past.

Do I sound crazy? Sometimes I still think I am. I have calmed down because I'm doped up on drugs, but I am still crazy. Maybe I am not at all. I know there are so many people out there going through the same things as I am, but when I am surrounded by a lot of people who are not, it is not difficult to feel very, very alone.

I am still obsessed with my body and weight. I weigh myself every day, being extra careful to place the clothes that were on top of the scale exactly the way they were. I know my Mom does that on purpose; throws clothes on top of it so that she can tell when I weigh myself. But I am not dumb anymore; I put the clothes back on top. I wish I had the energy to exercise, but I don't eat enough to have that kind of energy. I stay up too late, I sleep in too late, and I barely eat. The only exercise I get is walking around the mall. The rest of my time is spent on the computer, writing, reading, thinking, or doing something artistic like painting or making Christmas cards or something.

I bought Cody a really nice sweater from the Gap for Christmas. I like it a lot, and I think it will look good on him. I know he will think I spent too much money, but can't he see that it makes me happy to spend money on him? He keeps telling me, "Krista, why don't you buy things for yourself instead?". I can only buy so much for myself until I feel guilty. When I was really fucked up, yeah I spent a ton of money on myself. But now that I'm a lot better, I find happiness in buying for other people. That is something about me that has changed a lot - I used to be the most selfish person on this planet. Now I just feel the need to show people I care about them. It's better to give than recieve...true that.

I keep forgetting that I am going to Hawaii on Saturday. Hawaii! It hasn't even registered in my brain yet. I don't think it will until I am halfway across the Pacific Ocean, and I realize that it is too late to jump off the plane and find myself back at home where I wish I could stay. I told Cody last night that I wanted to tie myself to my bed so that I didn't have to go. I know people think I'm crazy for not wanting to go to Hawaii. But would you really want to go, when you know all you're going to be thinking about is your ex-boyfriend, and how he is at home, seeing your friends, and you could be spending time with him, and you could be seeing him, but instead you are thousands of miles away? You probably are saying, Uh, I wouldn't care, it's Hawaii! Hmm.

"Listen, I mean it/There's nothing that he's worthy of/Just another player/Playing in the name of love/I've seen enough/Now this must come to an end/Get another boyfriend!"

I had a dream I went to the Backstreet Boys concert last night.

It has only been an hour since I actually showered and dressed, and the sun has already gone down.

Why am I wasting my life away?

~Kris

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