I had planned on doing some shopping tomorrow, but then I realized that it would be a Saturday afternoon, and Metrotown will be an absolute center of chaos. I mean, it will be fucking crazy, with Christmas in just a couple weeks. I can't even stand Metrotown after school in October let alone a Saturday in December! Shit. But...so many stores...and I need to buy a lil' gift for my person I have for secret santa, plus I want to buy a nice sweater for Cody. I have the perfect sweater in mind too, if it even exists. He looks so good in navy. I want a nice navy sweater from the Gap, with like a white stripe across it...mmm I would love to see him in that. Yum. But, that is just my dream sweater. You know when you see the perfect clothes in your mind, but no one actually makes them like that? Yeah.

So maybe I will bypass Metrotown and head to Lougheed Mall, or Brentwood. I am so familiar with Burnaby now, it's kinda strange. I was at Brentwood today and it wasn't that bad. A little better than Landsdowne, but not quite as good as Richmond Center. Nothing compared to Metro, but, what CAN compare to Metro, besides West Ed. I am a mall rat, yes. I'm sorry but I get it from my mom, honest to God. Her whole "Shopping makes you happy!" theory has seemed to have worn off on me. I love shopping and I love spending money. I think it runs in the family.

Jesus it is already almost 11pm. I wanted to be in bed by now, so I was rested enough to a) write my test and pass, b) go shopping, and c) hit up Matt M's party tomorrow night. I'm gonna damn near fall asleep driving home after shopping, no doubt. Hmm...maybe I will go shopping on Monday. No more school, no more exams, Cody will be studying, everyone will be studying. And it will be a Monday, not a Saturday.

Don't you just love how these journals are basically pointless? Okay, half the time they have a point, but the other half, I am basically rambling about every stupid thing in my head. It is as if I am pretending to have a conversation with someone, but nobody is here. I'm talking to nothing. I do that all the time, actually. I really think it is something wrong with me. I talk to myself constantly...and I mean out loud, too. All the time. I guess I just feel lonely sometimes, and my imaginary friends always listen. There are just little, strange things that you sometimes wish someone would care about, so you pretend that someone wants to hear about it and finds it interesting...that is basically what I am doing right now, and what I do half the time I write here. Whew!

Cody told me that he wants to work in a mental hospital. How on earth is he going to be able to handle that? He couldn't handle me at all, let alone people who are truly crazy. He said that handling me is different, but I don't really get why, because not all people in hospitals are really that crazy anyways - like in Girl, Interrupted (yes I am obsessed with that book - and the movie - but the book is better), Susana is in there just for being suicidal and having BPD...it is not like she is psychotic. She is just depressed. Cody is a person who truly has no patience. I don't think I've ever met another person who really has as little patience as he does. He may be getting better with that, but honestly. How can you deal with mentally ill people if you don't have patience.

I wholeheartedly think that most therapists and counsellors are whacked. It really bothers me (angers me, upsets me, disturbs me) that it is quite likely that if I ever went to a real therapist, he/she would not have any first-hand experience with what I am feeling. I think most psychologists go to school and think, "Ok I will help crazy people!", and they get a degree, and they can sit in their chairs and say "Mm-hmm...yes, I can see you are in a lot of pain. Yes...I can see you are a very bright girl...". Bull! I could do their job for crying out loud! The only therapist I would want to talk to is someone who has gone through what I have and can truly relate. I am thinking of becoming some kind of counsellor for teenage girls, or working in the female ward of an institution...because I KNOW! I have gone through self-esteem problems, eating disorders, suicide attempts, depression, bad breakup... If a girl came to me and told me what she felt, I wouldn't just sit there and say, "Yes, well how do you FEEL when that happens?". I would say, "Sweetie, you are not alone, and I'll tell you why - I have been through exactly what you're going through, and you know what, I made it."

I think what a lot of depressed teenagers need to hear is simply that they are not alone, and it IS something you can overcome. Talking to friends who are going through similar situtions is one of the best things that has happened to me. To really connect and relate to someone is such a blessing. It is so good for you. I think it a lot of ways, it even saved my life. That is the kind of counsellor I would want to be - a friend. Not a doctor, or an idiot who sits there making redundant comments.

I have issues with boys. I really do. I need attention in the biggest way, and if I am not recieving it, I will go out and make a fool out of myself until I can pick up some desperate guy who is probably ugly and gross, but still I flirt with him and tease him and do whatever I can to feel good about myself, at his expense. And if any of my guy friends show any sort of flirting or interest, I will take off with it, and get myself involved in the most complicated situations. That is exacly how I got myself in trouble with Jamil a year ago, but me and Cody survived it. Why? Because I told him about it right away. When shit happened with me and Jeff, I DIDN'T tell him - and I guess I have paid the price now, haven't I? Even though I love Cody, I still keep thinking I hope I get some sort of attention this weekend from a guy, whoever it may be. I am used to having Cody hanging off of me, and touching me and kissing me. I'm used to going to parties and getting drunk with him and ending up making out or whatever else it leads to (mmmm....). That has been my entire partying life - with Cody. 2 years of him being at my side at all times, and being jealous if other guys talked to me. I need that attention, and I want it from him most of all, but when I don't get it, I look elsewhere. It's dumb. One of these days I'm gonna acquire some kind of bad reputation, if I don't have one already. I know some guys think I am a tease; oh well. Maybe by Christmas me and Cody will be together...highly doubtful, but...please God, I am getting better...I really am.

Guess I should hastily read over my History notes and go to bed. I am gonna bomb this final big time. But you know what...fuck it...I wish I could care, but it is so hard sometimes. It really is. I want to care, for Cody, because I know that will look better to him...but really, I don't. I am just beginning to care, now that the semester is over, I have no chance of improving my grades, and I am not even going to SFU next semester. I blew it. I had my chance to keep my scholarship, but...that is all gone now. Now what? I feel as if my life has crumbled right before me. I know it is just one semester, but...I feel like an idiot. Plus, it doesn't help when other people hear I am going to Langara next semester. They say, "What?! No you're not, you're joking right?" and stuff like that. I'm like, actually, no I'm not. I'm stupid. I failed. I had a scholarship to SFU, and I lost it. I worked so hard for that scholarship. Shit, I am starting to cry now, thinking about it.

I remember applying for it; I remember Cody encouraging me and saying I could get it. I was so excited. I worked so hard in History just to keep up my grade to get that scholarship. When it arrived in the mail I called Cody right away, but he wasnt home, so I left a voice on his pager...I was so, so happy. I felt so smart. I had so many expectations going to University. And look at what happened.

I know I am too hard on myself. I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But I am just so concerned about what other people think of me. I don't want to be dumb. I know I deserve to be at SFU.

As I say to myself constantly..."one day at a time". Just one day at a time...that is all it takes. You just gotta take it one day at a time.

~Krista


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