I have had major issues. I cannot concentrate. I can't think of anything but how I am gonna get hardcore FUCKED this weekend at Matt's party.

All I have had to eat today is 2 glasses of juice, some rice, some peas, and a tiny bit of fish (blech). Oh, and now I am having a cup of coffee. And I am still in my pj's. And it's 8pm. Oui.

I love Fiona Apple...mmm. I love her music. So mellow and perfect for my moods. I love "Love Ridden" and "Sullen Girl"...itz great stuff...

Suicide. Ever since Michelle Ko killed herself, it has been on my mind. Not necessarily that I want to do it (oh yes, the magic *happy* drugs don't let me anymore!), but I think about it. She did it in the bath. I tried that before. What if I had died, and she'd still be alive? What if she died so that I could live? I know I am weird but I think about things like that. I think like that about everything...as if it is the luck of the draw, you know? Someone is murdered - that could have been me. I see a girl, addicted to drugs on the corner of the street, and I think, if I had made one single different decision in my life, was that would I have become? What if I had done one thing differently - would that effect my entire life? What has made me become what I am today, and not Michelle, dead in her bathtub? Why am I not a teenaged prostitute on the east side? Why do I sit around all day and complain I am fat, why didn't I become a dancer like I always wanted to be? How different would my life be right now if I had stuck with gymnastics and had been in ballet when I was younger? Have I become depressed and heartbroken so that someone else will not feel that sort of pain? Why me, and not say, Carmen? Why did Michelle succeed in her suicide attempt and so many of us did not? Did she die so that I could live? Did I live so that she could die? Do certain things happen to certain people to save others from that sort of fate?

Michelle's death saddens me, but it doesn't necessarily scare me. It has affected me, but not enough for me to completely wipe out the idea of suicide. It still seems like a somewhat romantic way to die. What saddens me is the great effect it has. One girl kills herself; someone who supposedly did not have a lot of friends, and literally hundreds of people hear about it and are affected by it. That is amazing. I bet she never would have guessed how many people cared about her, and how her death would spread like wildfire and how URL's on icq would be sent in her memory, and how I'd write a whole journal entry on her when I didn't even know her. I bet she never imagined she could ever recieve so much attention and love and concern.

Would she have ever imagined that a girl a year older than her, that she had probably never seen before, would stay up at night thinking about her and relating to her problems? How long did she suffer for? How long did she hold on, until finally the pain was too much? Did she ever seek someone to talk to? I wish I could have talked to her. Just to tell her she was not alone.

I am speaking as if suicide is bad. It is. I wish she didn't kill herself. But it still has some sort of appeal to me, and I know that is horrible, but...I am just sick of this. I'm sick of all this shit. I can't concentrate, I can't eat, I can't be genuinely happy. I am always empty in some sort of way. I love my friends to death, but there is just always a part of my heart for Cody. Always. I just want to be held by him. I need his strength.

He told me today to be tough. I am not tough, I am so weak. I used to think I was strong, but look at me. There is a lot of shit I cannot handle, and living seems to be one of them.

How many people commit suicide every day in Vancouver?

~Kris

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