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Cody obsession...what else is new, I know, I know.
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December 3, 2000 16:36:22
I am starting to get obsessed with Cody again. I mean, not that it ever went away really, but for a while there it calmed down. I haven't called him in 2 days (wow, big accomplishment...well, actually, it is). But today, I decorated my bulletin board in my room, and put up pictures of him again. I changed my pager message to be "our" song. Plus, I've been listening to that song over and over today ("God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You" by N'Sync). I still have most of the roses he's given me, dried, in a vase on my computer desk. I am getting my hopes up again, ever since the last time we talked on the phone (that would be 2 days ago). We talked for the longest we have since the break up, it was for like an hour!! I couldn't believe it. Plus, he said we could go out for coffee when he came home, which I am literally counting down the days until (9 days, if all things go according to plan). God I hope we can try again...just try...we can take it slow, anything, just as long as we give it one more chance...I just need to know, you know? I just need to know if it is really over. If we still can't make it work between us, then I will know that it is not meant to be anymore. But God I KNOW we could...I pray every night that things will go well. I've been having fantasies about New Years Eve, at the stroke of midnight, how it's tradition to kiss everyone...and he and I will kiss...Plus, since the break up we have not been drunk together once. I have been drunk when he has not, but that is it. New Years will most likely be the first time...I wonder if anything will happen...? I am so in love with him, I am so desperate. Fuck. I bought oil paints and paper and brushes. They were so expensive, but I feel like I need to express my feelings in a different way; something other than writing. I just felt the need to paint. So I went out and blew $50. Yes, spontaneous! But hell, if it will help in any way, why not? The thing is, I am already thinking to myself, "I can give Cody a picture I painted for Christmas if it turns out okay.." Ack. Whoever said love was the best feeling in the world? I think they mean love is the best thing WHEN THE OTHER PERSON LOVES YOU BACK! MUTAL love is the best feeling. In my situation...love sux. *sigh* ~Kris
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