I wrote a short story on Friday. Friday was hell. I don't want to explain the whole day but to make a really long hellish story reeeaaaly short, Cody doesn't want to see or talk to me again, or at least not for a long while. I acted like a complete fuck up and just messed up our friendship. I miss him so badly. Today we talked on the phone, and it was okay but he doesn't want to talk to me. I am so hurt and jealous and fuck, I am one fucked up chick. How is it possible that a boy could do this to me? What is wrong with me? It's a BOY. Not worth all of this pain. But god, I thought we'd never break up...I thought we'd be togehter forever...this isn't supposed to happen to us, Krista and Cody, most likely to get married...fuck that! Fuck everything. My solution to all of this is to basically hate the world, and everything in it. Hate, hate, hate.

But I love him so much...I cannot be around him without wanting to hold him and kiss him and touch him...it drives me insane...I just can't do it...that is why I always end up upset when I see him. I can't deal with not touching him...I just want to be with him so bad.

I got so lost today after field hockey. It took me like 2 hours to get home. I somehow ended up near the Patullo Bridge in New West. Really don't know how. I wasn't even paying attention when I was driving, I almost got in like 4 serious accidents. I scare myself sometimes, I've been almost falling asleep at the wheel lately...I have to pay attention more, or I'm gonna get killed one of these days. Not that it would be such a tragic thing, but still.

I think I have lost more weight but I'm not sure. I'm gonna go weigh myself now...dammit! I gained 2! Shit, when I was thinking I felt skinnier. Blah. I cut my hair for Cody, I'm trying to be skinny for him...everything for Cody...la-dee-da...what the hell am I gonna get him for Christmas.

Someone help me out - what do you get your ex-boyfriend you reeeeaaaallly want back for Christmas?

Everytime I ask him he says "nothing", so I know he's not gonna get me anything, but hey. I don't care. Of course I'm gonna get him something, he's my best friend.

I think I'm gonna try to persuade my bro to install the CD burner tonight so I can make my gospel music CD. I've gotta remember to go to church this Sunday, now that I don't have field hockey I can go...that'll be good. I need faith. I'm really going to try to get into it again. I need to believe in something...with all this shit I'm going through...I need it. I think I'm gonna go to St. Pauls or somethin next Sunday...I need to see which church suits me best...and I really like Catholic Churchs...they are so beautiful.

I am so fucking hungry, haven't eaten all day...gotta go eat. Food. yuck. But I guess it is a necessity to survival.

Buh bye...

~Krista

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