I wish I could run away. I really do. I would just take a bus downtown and find a place to stay. Wherever. I'm sure I could afford some dingy hotel. The adrenaline rush of knowing people are looking for me would be so...I don't know. I just want to prove to people that I am messed up. Why though? They already know that. I know the more shit I pull the more I am pushing Cody away. The more he will refuse to talk to me. I just want a hug. So badly.
I send Cody letters now. I am so desperate.
What if I became like, a crack whore on the street. Hmm. Bad thought. But today I was thinking about heroin for some reason. Shit, what am I getting myself into. I am still fucked up. I thought I was better, until today. I really thought I was better. I thought, I'm not even depressed anymore, this is great! But no. It's still there. It's just hidden by drugs. I am so doped up on medicine. Fuck. They help me not to hurt myself, but...I cried again today. Everytime I talk to Cody I cry.
I am not very pensive right now.
Trevor is such a great guy friend. I really love him as a friend. He has been there for me since day one. I admire that about him. I mean, he can be a total slacker, and he bullshits so much, but really, he is just always there to help. I really trust and care for him as a friend. I know he likes me more than that, but hell...he is one of those guys I could just cuddle with on the couch and nothing more, just as a friend...I don't want to be his girlfriend, I don't want a relationship with him, I'm not even attracted to him, I just really appreciate him caring for me. He's a cool guy.
I feel sick.
I've lost 6 pounds again so now I'm 112lbs. I am usually 118. Back in Gr.11 I used to be 108 during the summer, and 110 during the school year...shit, those were the days. If I could lose 2 more pounds and be down to 110 I think I'd like that. I don't feel any skinnier right now. I need to go to the gym and tone my lower body. Blech.
Jamil Jamil Jamil. Fuck why do I still have a crush on him, even after all this shit. If Jamil wanted me, fuck I'd go out with him...even with this pain for Cody...actually, maybe I wouldn't. Oh god...I am so hurt right now.
I want to run away. But I'd have to bring my kitty with me.
Of course, I won't do anything, I'll just cry. Fuck this all. I thought this was supposed to be the best time of my life, being 18. I can honestly say, this is the worst time of my life. The worst, by far.
Okay I can't write anymore. Sorry. Adios.
~Kris
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