I am worried about Langara. Because I handed my application in late, I don't get to register until Jan. 3. By then, most of the courses will be full...and I think it is seriously true, because on all of the papers I got from them today, it says like 5 times, ADMISSION DOES NOT GUARANTEE COURSE AVAILABILITY and stuff like that. And it stresses like 10 more times that REGISTERING ON JAN.3 WILL RESULT IN VERY LIMITED SPACE AVAILABILITY. It even says VERY. Shit. If I end up with crappy courses I don't want, I'll be even more upset about going to a community college instead of SFU. Please God...arrgh. Just let me get into the freakin classes I want to!

My mom trimmed my hair yesterday. I didn't want her to but she wanted to and thought it needed to be done so I had to suffer through it. I like my hair long, but I guess there are like 2 inches of split ends, so trimming like 5 mm off doesn't hurt. My hair is pretty damaged on the ends. That tiny trim was the first time my hair has been cut since January. Sheesh, 5 mm of hair was hard enough to part with...I don't think I'm gonna ever work up the guts to chop it all off. I've been thinking about getting it cut to my shoulders, like it was in Gr.11. Cody always liked my hair shorter, he thought it looked better, and that it looked cute and suited me. Hmm. I know he likes my hair shorter. So I'd do it for him. Not myself. I have issues with doing things just for him and not me. Figures, I mean I don't give a shit about myself anymore, the only thing I care about is him.

Trev and I are gonna smoke up this weekend I think. I wonder what Cody will say when he hears that. Probably nothing.

I am so ugly! Fuck. I always wished I was Shannon. Oh my god, that reminds me, Shannon and Dan broke up! And they've been together 22 months, just like me and Cody were...we've proclaimed an eternal curse on 22 months. I swear to God. So Jamil says, "100 bucks says her and Brandon hook up." I say nah. I even asked her just a few days ago about him, and she said she doesn't like him like that. Plus, hello, she loves Dan, she's not gonna start going out with someone else right away. I bet that would upset Kim a lot though. That would suck. Hm, just like Cody and that goddamned slutty bitch Kate. If I see her tomorrow I will give her my evil glare as usual. She told Cody a couple weeks ago that I made her "feel like death" by the way I looked at her one time. Hahahahaha. Fucking bitch. That made me feel so good, I was like, YES! Be afraid, be very afraid...

You know what, this History essay is not happening. I just realized, I don't even know what style to use! I know there is a certain style we're supposed to follow but of course, I never went to look up the style books. Fuck it all to hell. Well, as long as I pass the essay I guess. As long as I tried. I'm just worried that if I want to go back to SFU next year and they see my shitty marks from this semester they won't let me. But it shouldn't matter if I do well at Langara. And if I don't do well at Langara, then...seriously, I am really stupid. Shit, in high school I was always told, you're so smart, bla bla bla... what the fuck. I am not smart. This just proves it. I can't even write essays without cheating and looking up shit on the net. Who was I trying to fool when I thought I was smart. I guess getting your hopes up for anything isn't good. At least when I think negatively, I'm not overly shocked when things turn out shitty.

Ahh, bad attitude. I'm supposed to be trying to get better, yet what am I planning to do? Run away? Drugs? Mailing Cody obsessive letters? Calling him and crying? HELLO. This is not a good thing. KRISTA WAKE UP. If you want to get better, STOP IT. Not one of those things helps the situation. But ahh...God I love Cody so much...if my mom found out I was sending him letters she'd flip...but what the hell do people expect, I love him. If I'm not allowed to see him, or talk to him on the phone, and he doesn't have internet at his house, how else am I going to reach him? Of course if I love him I will find a way to stay in touch with him.

When I talked to Cody yesterday, I asked him if we could talk about things over the break. His excuse was, "But you're going to Hawaii." I'm like, hello, for ONE WEEK! What a shit ass excuse. I'm like, it's not like I'm gonna be gone 3 months and it'll be too hard to talk about or something! One fucken week. Blah. Stupid boy.

Cody Cody Cody Cody Cody Cody Cody.

Okay for real, I have to get working on this essay. Actually, first I have to go back to the website and figure out if I want to change my essay topic first. I am so entirely screwed. It's really not even funny anymore. Why do I even care though...I DON'T. As long as I have something, goddammit. As long as I have words on a page that equal around 1500 and there is a bibliography and at least 5 quotes I really think that I will pass. Fuck the rest of it. If it sucks, well...fuck me sideways I really don't give a rats ass.

I SWEAR TOO MUCH!!

Je suis tres desole. Desolee. Whatever.

Adios mi amigas!

~Krista


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