God I love this song..."Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews...it is just so relaxing. I love the live version. It almost trips me out it's so dreamy.

I have been royally fucked lately, I feel like just destroying myself. I want to try drugs. I want to smoke. I want to drink til I pass out...even though with my anti-depressants I'm not supposed to drink...last night's Dawson's Creek freaked me out. Andy did E at a rave and almost died because it didn't mix right with her anti-depressants. I was like...whoa, shit.

I hate depression. But in a strange way it is just so fucking addictive. My arms are all scratched up again. I wish I had the guts to do more, but I don't.

I read this book called "Crosses", about two girls who cut themselves, drink tons and do drugs almost every day. They both have boyfriends and have sex, and the main girl and her boy's relationship reminded me of mine with Cody so much. It was freaky. He dumps her, she threatens suicide, she goes nutty and hurts herself...it was like my life story, except I don't do drugs. Maybe I should. Maybe that would give everyone a little extra thing to freak out about. I'm getting addicted to the shock I receive when I tell people what I do. It almost amuses me. Because I don't always see what I'm doing is bad. I just scratch myself until I bleed, and it's fine. It hurts, but whatever. Then if people see the scars or I tell them what I did, they freak out. Well, not everyone freaks out. But most are pretty shocked that me, little good-girl Krista, would do that. Shit, Kev was surprised I skip school! He was like, WHAT?! Krista, skipping?! I'm like...uh huh...yeah...I've skipped 7 fuckin history lectures...I'm screwed for school. What if I fail something? Shit.

I swear so much now. Fuck. It's like I don't give a shit about anything. But my moods change. I'm not always the way I feel right now. When I am angry and just uncaring about my life I get like I am right now, swearing every second word; reckless. But when I'm truly SAD, I call Cody, crying, and I hurt myself not just because, I hurt myself more for the pain inside. Well, I suppose it's ALWAYS for the pain inside, but when I'm sad I'm actually recognizing that pain.

I just can't sleep anymore. I am exhausted but I can't sleep. I can't eat. Food disgusts me sometimes and I'm fat anyways. I need to lose weight, bad. That's probably why Cody doesn't want me anymore...or part of it...I'm too flabby and gross...fuck I wish I could just lose 10 pounds...that'd be perfect.

Do I sound messed up to you? Yeah. I am.

Bye.

~Kris


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