I cried for the first time since last Wednesday night today. I miss Cody so badly. I love him so much. There is nothing I want more than to be with him. My pain is so deep and it is so hard to deal with. I just want to jump out my window, but I know I won't. My drugs help me ward off suicide attempts. But in a way I miss the suicide attempts. At least then, if I was sad, I could channel it into something. Even if it was hurting myself. I know that is so unhealthy but it felt so good. I can't believe I am saying that but it's true. Hurting myself feels so good. It's the best kind of therapy so far. I want to do it so bad but I just can't. The medicine is helping I guess. I wish I could just take the scissors and pins and knives to my arms again but I can't do it anymore. I thought about trying to drown myself again but I just couldn't do that, either. But now I just feel like screaming I am so frustrated and angry and sad and jealous and confused and I don't know what to do. I already wrote in my other journal and even pasted in pictures and stuff, and now I am writing in here, and it hasn't helped yet. I tried to cry it out, that didn't work either.I hope Cody calls me tonight but I don't think he will.
I miss him so much. I can't do this anymore. I feel like just screaming and screaming and screaming. I want to die. I am so frustrated.
The doctor doubled my dose yesterday, so now I'm taking 75mg. The drugs make me dizzy and give me nightmares. I cannot sleep. I slept about 2 hours last night. I lay there, exhausted, and I cannot physically fall asleep. It is the worst feeling in the world. My mind starts to go hazing and to ache, and I begin to have feverish nightmares and hallucinations where I jerk awake with a cry or moan and my whole body is trembling. If I have a really bad one I usually cannot sleep anymore, if you could even call it "sleeping". It's an extremely light, hazy, confused state. It's nothing close to a deep, normal sleep. It feels so awful. I had begun to sleep normally last week until my dose was upped yesterday and now it'll take another week to adjust I guess. I slept through my History class again today. I've missed 5 of those lectures now. I am so dead. But I just coudln't do it, I couldn't get up, I was so tired and my head hurt so badly. I just needed to try to sleep more.
Sarah might come down this weekend, apparently. Fuck that, I don't want to talk to her or see her.
It is only 6:12pm but I feel as if it is at least 10. I am kind of hungry but I don't want to eat, I threw up twice today and went through hell basically. I don't feel good at all. I miss Cody, God, I need him, I want him so bad....please...bring him back to me...
I am so hurt and sad...I feel like shit...I need to eat, and sleep, but I just can't...I can't do either.
I have 3 huge essays and a research project due in a couple weeks, and I am so dead. SO dead. I really am. I am going to lose my scholarship for next semester. And I don't even care. I don't care about anything.
Krista
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