I've turned to religion again in a big way. I pray. I kiss the crucifix I have by my bed stand. I read the bible. I am turning into your average Catholic bad girl, no joke. I even went to a Catholic church service a few weeks ago, but it'll be hard to do that more because I have field hockey on Sundays. But anyways. I'm going to write out the entry I wrote in my journal and then respond. I think it's kind of interesting. It always amazes me to read things I write. I am in such a different frame of mind sometimes...it's so pure and raw, coming right from me...my direct feelings. It's spooky. I wrote this the night I tried to drown myself.

October 26, 2000

Dear God, if you haven't noticed, I've been asking you to help me. Or do I have to help myself with this? Why do I always have to figure things out myself...God, how are you helping me if everything I have to figure out myself? That's bull. I feel as if I will be sad for the rest of my life. I know I won't. If I could just work on things with Cody then I would be so much happier. God, what have you helped with? Is it because I don't pray enough? Because I lost faith? Because suicide is disrespectful to you? Please forgive me...Please forgive me for all I've done to upset you. I want you on my side, God. I want your love, your strength, your guidance. The air out here is so cold, but I like it. It reminds me of that cold night on the playground, holding Cody's hand, kissing his lips, our tongues touching. The cold, cold breeze blew agianst my face and hair that night, too. But I didn't mind then either, I had him to keep me warm. I don't mind now because I am lost in the same memory, where I still have him. I still feel his warm embrace. I can still smell his skin and taste his kiss. If I close my eyes, I am back at that playground. God, why can't you send me back there? Why can't you bring him back to me? Why don't you help me through what I am going through right now? God, do you love me? Fuck is there even a God; do you exist? Or am I wasting my prayers? I would wish on my stars tonight but it is foggy and cloudy. I have nothing to wish on, except you. I believe in you. I promise to be good for the rest of my life if you'll just bring my baby back to me. If you'll only let me feel his arms around me again, if I could only hear him whisper, "I love you" again. God, if you exist, talk to me. I won't be scared. Just talk to me. Let me know you love me and that everything will be okay. Let me know you are helping me and that Cody will be my baby again. God, if you exist...show me. I don't want to be alone. I am always so alone. Please just turn Cody around...help him see...help him feel my love for him. Thank you, God. I won't hurt myself anymore, I promise you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

Love Krista

-Okay. Here's my response. Sometimes I get so pissed off, like I was when I wrote this entry. I get so pissed off at God for not answering my prayers. I ask him to help me, and he doesn't. But then, when things look up, or things get better, I think to myself, you know what, he DID help me - by letting me figure it out for myself. That SUCKS! What is WITH that?! It is so shitty having to go through hell and back, just to realize something. Sometimes I just wish things would be changed for us or given to us freely, without any hardships or pain. But I suppose hardships and pain are what life is about. It's how you learn. Learning things from pain really sucks. Especially when it feels as if the pain will take a long, long time to go away, if ever.

Some say you never get over your first love. Cody has already gotten over me. I mean nothing to him. You know what, I'm not going to let him get over me. I'm not just going to disappear from his life. He means too much to me to do that. I'm not letting him go, he's my best friend.

Okay now I'm really hungry for that rice and cheese stuff so I think I'm going to venture downstairs...but it's so cold and I don't feel like changing...I'm still in my cute lil' skirt...but with a sweatshirt..heh.

Okay who am I trying to impress...Cody is in Idaho by now. In fact they probably arrived about half an hour ago. It's just me and Yvonne and Fiona home. I'm not expecting anyone tonight. I was wearing my cute big jeans yesterday but then changed into sweats, and then what do you know, Yvonne's cute friend Keith came over! I felt so dumb. I answered the door and was like, "um, hi!". Whatever.

~Krista


<< || >>