Long time no write. Sheesh. Me and Cody broke up. I am depressed. I'm on anti-depressants, going to a counsellor, the whole bit. I tried to drown myself last night. I've been cutting at my arms, taking pills, I tried to hang myself, I almost ran my car off the bridge a couple weeks ago. I am living in hell. I just want my boyfriend back.I can't live without him.
I love him with all my heart and soul. He means everything to me. I buy him flowers, I buy him presents, I make him cards when he is sick, I write him letters, I confess my love for him every day, I call him everyday, I tell him I love and miss him every night, I ask him to do things with me, I ask him if I can study with him, I ask him to come over and talk to me, I cry to him when I want to kill myself.
He tells me he doesn't care about me at all, he pushes me away, he yells at me, tells me to leave him alone, tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore. I asked him if he cared at all if I was okay or not, and he said no. He said he doesn't care what I say to him. He doesn't care if I love him. It doesn't mean anything to him.
I cry, and cry, and cry. I break down at least once a week. I go into hysterics. I can't live anymore...I just can't. Life without him is not worth living. I feel so worthless, so hopeless. Whenever my hope is up, and I think we'll be able to get back together, I am happy. Until he says something to me, like "Leave me alone", or "I don't want to see you" or, "No, this isn't our anniversary, we're not going out anymore", I just lose it. I can't control it.
What me and Cody had was so perfect, why didn't I see that before? I just went and fucked it up. I don't deserve to live.
I love him so much. He means the world to me. If I could only kiss him again, feel his arms around me...touch his face...fall asleep in his arms on the couch...have him wrap me in the "magic" blanket and cuddle me while I cry...god I miss him more than I could ever miss anything in my life...I am so empty...I feel as if I am dead. I am no longer human...
Shannon just called and I'm going over to her house to cry to her for a few hours.
I'll write more later. I can't write anymore or I'll cry right now and my brother will probably get worried. Everyone knows I am depressed and on drugs and they all think I'm some sort of psycho bitch. My mom is so worried about me and she makes me call her everyday from school. She thinks I'm going to kill myself. My dad is just extra nice to me and it makes me cry because I am so touched.
My life is hell.
God...please...bring Cody back to me...I can't live like this any longer...please...I just want my baby back
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