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-whatev-
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August 23, 2000 05:02:07
I am the worst girlfriend ever. I really am. There is no denying it! I'm so jealous. I am the most jealous person ever, and I'm selfish. Well those two qualities seem to go hand in hand anyway. How can Cody stand me? I really don't get it. Today we were having a little problem because I was jealous about something, and he was getting mad because he doesn't want me to be like that at SFU, or he'll dump me. He's said it himself tons of times. So then I asked, if you don't like me, then why don't we just break up now? And he was like, "I dunno". He probably is thinking the same thing as me, that maybe we should break up just because, well, it SEEMS like we should but we both don't WANT to. We love each other and even when things go wrong, no matter what we both don't want to break up. It's strange. Well, not really I guess. I figure we both must really be in love if we can go through so much shit and still want to be with each other. I mean, through all the stuff we go through, I'm still not sick of him. He's never become a person I don't want to be around. So that's gotta mean something. I'd probably die if I wasn't with him anyway. I think the plus side to breaking up would be that I'd probably lose weight, like Kim did. She told me she's lost 10 pounds since her and Brandon broke up. Sweet. I'm gonna start eating differently and hopefully start exercising, but hey knowing me I'll probably won't do either. Actually, I could do the eating thing quite easily soon because I'll be buying my own food. So I just won't buy sugary stuff or pop or anything. Well if I do it'll be Diet.I hate the way I look. Okay, if I could change the way I look, this is what I'd do: BIGGER CHEST! (first thing). Taller, longer legs, thinner thighs. Hm. You know what, that's about it really. Well maybe I'd get a nose job. I actually do like some things about myself. So maybe I don't HATE the way I look. I really like my eyes, cuz they look really green sometimes, and they're pretty big and my lashes are long and dark. I like my hair long like it is now, and I like how it's blonde. I like my lips too because they're pretty full. And, deep down even though I hate them I really DO like my hips. They're like, the biggest curse ever but then again I like them because they're feminine. I mean if it came down to it, I'd rather have my hips then have no hips at all like Shannon. But then she has skinny legs like I want. Arrgh. There is no compromise. It's funny because my hips are what make me look fat, and I want to lose weight there, but really, I don't mind them as much as I lead on. It's funny how sometimes the littlest, weirdest things stick in your mind. Like something that someone said to you once, and it was so insignificant but it just sticks with you and made an impression...and who knew it'd make an impression? Okay the day that our Creative Writing class went to the mall, me and Bobby, Michelle, Nev and Carmen were in a store. I tried on a tight-ass dress for boatcruise, and my hips looked sooooo huge! Like I looked SO curvy. The dress was way too tight but it was kinda cute. So I came out, and everyone actually liked it quite a bit, and I said, "My hips look HUGE in this!!" and Bobby said (without skipping a breath), "Duh! You're a GIRL!". The way she said it just haunts me...it was just so casual, so sincere, as it was totally common knowledge, you know? I feel like it was at that point that I stopped loathing my hips and realized, hey, I am a girl, and girls have hips, and this is a good thing. I don't look bad, I look feminine. Anyways, enough about that. Today my mom had a little "talk" with me about SFU. Just about how she didn't want me wandering around the campus late at night by myself and stuff. That was no biggie. Then she asked me if I'd "done anything" about birth control yet, and I lied and said no. So she said, well do you want me to make an appointment for you so you can have them before you leave, and I said okay, I guess. I hate lying but at least I'll feel better after I get the pills, because then she'll know I'm having sex and everything will be ducky. --more later.
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