Carmen had such a healthy lunch today in Writing. We were all so amazed. She had rice cake crackers, pasta salad, bean salad, yogurt, and a Five-Alive. How does she do that?? I asked her and she said that eating junk food just makes her feel so gross like she needs to puke it up or something, so she just eats healthy. I have no willpower whatsoever. It's actually really pathetic.

I hate music videos. Honestly. Most of them are just a bunch of young girls shaking their asses and boobs around like prostitutes. It is so, so degrading to women. WHY! WHY do these people need to have a bunch of girls dancing around in bikinis and thongs? It just feeds more and more into our societies' distored body image issue. Why am I so obsessed with having the perfect body? Why do I buy all the magazines and look through them repeatedly, staring at all the girls in them? Why do I idolize young female celebrities? Why do I purposely not eat sometimes because I want to lose weight? Why do I stare at myself in the mirror? Why do I take measurements of myself every few weeks to see if my boobs are bigger or my hips wider? American pop culture is completely focused on the female body. It's really sad, because I know that all of these girls in magazines are fake and their pictures are totally touched up. But I still want to look like them.

When I was younger I never really cared much about my body. It wasn't until about Grade 9 or 10 I started to obsess. I've had subscriptions to YM and Seventeen since the 7th grade, and I never really thought anything of the girls, except that I would look like that when I was older. I always expected I'd have pretty big boobs and I'd be pretty and wear those clothes and stuff. Well, that didn't exactly happen. Because God hates me or something, I don't know. Probably cuz I was a fuckin snob back in Grade 6 or 7 and I don't deserve to look like that now. I had a nice body back then. Okay, I was more flat-chested than I am now, but I had nice legs and hips. I was looking at pictures of me up to Grade 9, and I am just SO much different now. I know I could do something about it. I could eat better and exercise like crazy before I have to actually get in a bathing suit in front of people this summer.

I getting so obsessed with my body that I actually do not want to wear a bathing suit this summer. And when I don't eat, I only lose weight off my waist, where I'm already skinny. I love my waist and stomach. I never thought I'd be one of those girls with hips. I should have seen it coming. Though my mom also has big boobs so I don't know where I got lost in that deal. I was always totally banking on the Pill to make them bigger. Now that it's been 10 months, I don't think that's happening. All that did for me was bigger hips and increased moodiness. Now, I'm banking on pregnancy. If they're not bigger after THAT, then...I'm out of ideas, besides a boob job. Bla.

Okay. Now that I've made myself quite resentful of every girl with a nice body, I think I'll leave now.

~Krista

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