May 17, 2000

Topic: TIME

"Cody and I have been going out for 18 months today. A year and a half. That is a long, long time. Too long? Maybe, maybe not. Probably. Today has been a horrible day. I think he hates me. Well maybe he loves me just because it's habit or something but he does not like the person I am. I can't do anything right, even after all the time we've spent together. And it's been a long time. I'm so messed up. I think I've always been messed up but I just never acknowledged it until now. I guess I didn't know, until I actually had someone show it to me. Or say it to my face. Why am I always so wrong and he is always so right? Even when I try to do things right they are wrong. I can never be good at anything. All I can do is write. And all I can write is essays and short stories. In short, I can't do anything. I'm so fucking messed up. Cody doesn't even want to be around me. He told me to leave him alone today. I'm so jealous too, but I can't help it, I love him so much and I'm so scared of losing him that I freak out whenever there is threat. I am so self-conscious and have such low self-esteem that basically any girl that I feel is a threat I hate. Then I get super upset and just want to scream and cry. I hate him working at Earls I know there are pretty girls there and so does the rest of the fucking world, fuck I can't handle this. He'll meet one of them and cheat on me I know it. I already asked him if he saw any pretty girls and he was like, "noo..." but I harsh knew he was lying. It was in a voice that means "yeess...". I'm so ugly, I'm fat, I can't do anything right, according to Cody I "treat him like shit". I cry all the time and again, according to Cody I am "such a baby". Why am I even living if I have nothing to live for. Honestly. I have nothing now. Cody told me to my face today that basically, I'm a horrible person. Happy Anniversary...Cody's going to cheat on me I know he will. I hate him working there. But I guess I shouldn't care. We're gonna break up soon. I'll let him do what he wants. I want him to be happy. He doesn't deserve to have someone like me bringing him down. I should just put myself out of my own misery to save the rest of the poeple I will ever meet in my life the trouble that goes along with me. I'm a burden. I'm a baby. I'm a fucking ugly bitch who nags and gives my boyfriend "crap" and "treats him like shit". I'm completely worthless to this world. I have nothing on this earth that is worth living for except for my family. Cuz they have to love me. Shit I'm crying now. Fuck.

Time. Right. I forgot I was supposed to be talking about that. Time heals all wounds. BULLSHIT. Time doesn't heal wounds, we heal our own wounds. We make the choice to heal our wounds. And we make the choice to leave them gaping wide open and exposed, so that we can always feel the pain. Pain is good for you because you learn from it. Maybe some wounds can never heal. Oprah would say that all wounds are healable, it's just up to us to take initiative. Oprah's a smart woman. She also appears to be healthy, happy, confident and funny. Must be nice. No wonder she can have a gratitude journal, she has stuff to be grateful for. I should start one of those. It would probably help me. I think I will. I'll turn my little journal into a gratitude journal for at home. Good job Krista.

I actually exercised today and last night. I thought Cody would be proud of me. Instead he asked how long I did it for then criticized everything and basically laughed at me. I told him my leg muscles hurt from dancing and exercising last night and he didn't care. I thought he'd be proud or at least say that was good of me. But he didn't. I want to just stop eating or become bulimic or something, and exercise like crazy until somebody notices. Nobody will. Cody wouldn't. He probably thinks I'm too beyond improvement to actually do anything that will help me. He doesn't think I can work out. He thinks I'm stupid. He talks to me and argues with me as if I'm the dumbest person on earth. Maybe I am. Fuck everyone. When I tell people I'm not that smart they say "ya whatever, Ms. 99% English 12!". FUCKING IDIOTS. That's a guaranteed response too. I guarantee that they will say something about my English mark. It's like, hello, getting a good grade in ONE subject does not mean I am smart. Being smart is so much more than getting good grades. School smart often means shit all. Your grades don't reflect a whole lot. It's your personality, how deeply you think, how you analyze, how you problem solve, how you understand current events, how extensive your vocabulary is, how much you CARE, how you read others, how you express yourself, how you see life. That, in my opinion, makes you smart. Intelligence is depth, variety, interest, open-mindedness, reflectiveness, rationality. A paragraph and two essays on a provincial that are wholistically marked out of 6 does not prove a lot. Assuming that I am generally smart because of one test mark in not smart. It is presumptious, irritating, and shallow. It's unpassionate and surface-level thinking. I'm not smart. I don't deserve to be called smart. I don't deserve anything.

Time. Right. Whatever.

18 months is a long time. A long waste of time. I shouldn't say waste. Or should I? What is living for? What do we do our whole lives? We learn, work, die. Maybe we love and are loved, maybe we don't and are not. I love Cody so much. I can't live without him. I stay with him dreaming of him becoming the perfect guy, someone who is sensitive and always cares about me. Someone who doesn't make me feel stupid and who realizes that I'm messed up and can deal with it. Someone who is interested in my life. Cody was so perfect when we first started going out. He always cared when I was upset. He was so sweet. Though I wasn't as upset then as I am now. He's dealt with me for 18 months; he should get an award or something. Nobody can deal with me. If anything, these last 18 months have been a waste of HIS time.

I hope Cody still loves me. I don't want to break up. I can't deal with this right now. I just want to go home. 20 more minutes."

*NOTE* Don't worry, I feel better now. This afternoon I was very upset and just needed to get it out. I really like this journal I wrote today in class. It's extremely personal and straight from the heart. It's totally harsh, and I love it. It's exactly what I was feeling. I didn't try to soften it or make it sound all deep and stuff. I love it. It's totally me.

This has nothing to do with anything but I'd just like to say I'm happy cuz I bought new shoes today.

Gotta love the shallow, materialistic end to today's entry. Buy your happiness. It actually works sometimes.

~Krista

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