Yeah, so then we had spare and that was fine, except I was freaking out the History project that we didn't even do today. Arrgh. Then, at lunch I was just being a plain old bitchy brat. I am soo selfish. How do I live with myself, I don't know. I am so jealous! It's like, I can't handle the attention being on somebody else. Shan and Dan broke up, so she was upset, and everyone is like, so sympathetic and stuff, especially the guys, but I can't help but think, you know what? If that happened to me, with Cody, people wouldn't be like that to me. They wouldn't be like, aww, I feel so sorry for her...it'd be way different...at least, that's what I think. I don't know what it is about me and Cody, people would just react differently. They'd probably be like, oh. Oh well. I can remember so many times when I've sat at lunch and cried and stuff and people don't even notice, or care. Maybe because I do it so often. Or maybe because everybody likes Shannon and she's just little miss pretty girl.

Yeah, so that was my jealousy for the day. I went to Cody's after school, and we fought about something stupid on the way home, something about at-home mothers or something, so by the time I was in the house I brought up this thing Blake said to me about teachers being "not good enough", and Cody AGREED, so I was soo mad and I just burst into tears, and totally wrapped myself up in my blanket and laid on the couch by him...he was nice about it though. It was really strange. The couch was pulled up right by the computer because his parents had been watching a DVD or something...so he just sat in the chair and let me cry, then waited 'til i was more or less sane, then we just carried on. That was nice of him. I can't describe how much better I feel after I cry sometimes. It was honestly one of those days where everything is just sooo bottled up, and all day I KNEW I just need to burst into tears...and when I do, all I need is 5 mins of crying, and it just feels sooo much better...it's like, everything is lifted.

Yeah, so after that, we had sex then I fell asleep for almost 2 hours, no joke, haha. And Cody just let me sleep. I felt him a few times smooth my hair and kiss my cheeks, that was soo sweet of him...he always says I look so pretty when I sleep. Ahh, I love him. It's so funny how we can go from fighting to fucking in like, under 10 minutes. I can't decide if I like the word "fuck" or not. It feels weird to say it when I'm just talking like this, but it's so cute, when we're actually doing it we both talk so dirty. Whatever, I like it dirty, haha. Kinda. Not always. Today I totally wasn't into it at first, I kept kicking him and telling him not to touch me and stuff, cuz he kept trying to take off my pants, and I was getting annoyed, so I ended up just caving...so I wasn't really into anything dirty. But I wanted it bad by the time we got to it. He kept saying I was so tight and it felt like I was a virgin again and stuff, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...I think it is, I think guys like it tight, I mean that makes sense. Why do old women have those exercises to like, strengthen and tighten their muscles down there then. Must be a reason. Whatever. I like the idea of being a virgin again. It seems so innocent and pure and girl-ish. And since I always whine and stuff, may as well carry on with the little-girl syndrome. Sheesh.

Well this is probably getting a little too descriptive but whatever, may as well continue now that we've started. This whole innocence thing reminded me of all my fantasies. Fantasies say so much about your personality, and what you want in your relationships and stuff...when I look at all my fantasies and my dream guy, it's crazy...everything is with like, a controlling, protective guy, who doesn't exactly force me, but it's soo erotic...not rape, like violent unwanted rape, but it's like...I dunno. You get what I mean? It's like, I'm a virgin and all innocent and it's my first time, and this guy is so sweet but he knows what he's doing and he's WICKED and it's SO good. Yeah. Well that's for most of them. I don't know why I always want a guy like that, who's like, needy, and possessive...that's just the kind of guy I need. Honestly. Me and Bobbie were discussing this last week or something, and it's so, totally true. Her boyfriend is TOTALLY nuts, and she's jealous too, like me. Like, he is the epitimy of jealousy and possessiveness. But anyways, we both like that kind of guy...I mean, not like a psycho...I don't know if I could handle Bobbie's guy...but we both are attracted to that, because it's like the way we feel as if he cares...and it's true what she said to me, it's so simple, yet true: "If he wasn't like that, I would cheat on him." SO true. I need Cody to care about stuff like that or else I stray. It sounds fucked up. But in my mind, it isn't. And I like it this way, so...yeah.

Well, that's all I can think about right now, so I'll write more another day. Bye bye...

~Krista

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