I'm not feeling very pensive at the moment. Actually I haven't been feeling pensive all week...even in Creative Writing, I can't seem to get myself motivated...with every journal topic I'm just like, ugggh. Except for today, I was up for it...the topic was "Pleasure/Pain" and I wrote about sex, and that was fun. I want to write more about it; I'll probably do another entry on the topic ;) Then me and Bobbie and Michelle spent the rest of the class talking about boyz, sex, jealousy, the whole bit...it got to be pretty funny...it's weird, some days I absolutely cannot stand Bobbie, but there are some days where I can't help but thinking, you know, Bobbie and I are a lot alike. You know what, I bet you anything that's why for the most part we don't get along. Usually, people of the same type are not compatible. Of course, she's a WAAAY harsher version of me, but still, our stubborness, jealousy and general selfishness and tendency to be bitchy come from the same roots. When she gets talking, she just doesn't stop, and it's so hilarious...she just goes on these rampages...and the thing is, she is just SO certain about everything...I don't think I've ever seen her hestitate ONCE. With every subject, she knows her opinion, and she can just downright state it, and that's that. She knows what she wants, and knows how to get what she wants. Must be nice...

Today Cody came over after school, and I really wanted to talk to him because for the last like, MONTH I swear to God, something has been bothering me...I guess I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Well, not that he doesn't love me at all, but that I'm not that important to him anymore. I feel like Track is way more important than me, and I have a feeling it really is, though he won't admit it. I'm pretty sure it is actually, cuz when I asked him (and through the whole conversation I was very fair and reasonable and I didn't spazz at all, I'm quite proud of myself), he didn't really answer, he'd say "I don't know" or something like that. He said that if I ever wanted him to quit track, he'd dump me, then I started crying...but then he said that if he had to quit because of something else about me, like I was sick or in trouble or something, he'd do it. That made me cry even more, because that was really touching, so I was like sad AND happy, it was SO confusing. I just feel like I'm not that important to him anymore, like everything else comes before me...I want to be important in his life, like I used to be...he used to always say how I was the most important thing in his life, and he'd quit track for me if that was what I wanted (I told him he used to say that and he denied it. Bastard..). I don't want him to quit track, that's not what I was getting at, I just wanted to know if I was still that important to him. I don't think I am, and he didn't really get defensive or anything, which he TOTALLY does when I say something untrue about his feelings. I think something's happening between us, I don't know if it's falling apart or what, but I don't want to think about it cuz then I cry and get all upset and I don't want to be like that right now...I want to be happy. At school, he doesn't touch me like, at all anymore, unless I force him to or ask him to. He says he feels like we've been going out long enough that we don't have to "make out at school every day" (which is NOT what I wanted anyways), but I don't understand how HE doesn't understand that just because we've been together for a long time doesn't mean that we can't show it anymore, or not have any romance...I hate that so much...I'm a girl who needs attention dammit! and he knows that... and he totally doesn't pay attention to me at all anymore...we don't even talk on the phone at night anymore, because he has to do his exercises and bla bla bla, he's always too busy for me...I miss him. I want it to be the way it used to be, where I really was everything to him...now, I'm not, and I know it, and I think he knows it too but he won't say it because he knows it will hurt me. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe it really is over, but we care about each other enough to not want to hurt each other, so we avoid all the bad stuff and just surface on it. But I know it's there, and I'm actually proud that I initiated the conversation today. He wouldn't do that. Even as I dropped him off, we were kissing goodbye at the door and I said I wanted to talk to him more about us and our future...and he just made this face and was like, "uh, yeah, maybe NOT!" and I was like, "Why don't you ever want to talk about anything? You're such a typical guy" and he's just like, "Yeah!". Arrgh. BOYS BOYS BOYS. What to do, what to do.

Okay, so maybe I WAS feeling pensive.

~Krista

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