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depression thoughts...
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March 31, 2000 00:20:47
Hey...this is so weird...I've never had an online diary before. So can everyone read this or what? Is anyone actually interested in my life? Yeah, at home on a Friday night...I just felt so messed up tonight, and as usual I don't know why. It was just like, one of my "episodes"...little bouts of depression that come from nowhere. I hate that. What's worse, being depressed all the time, or having it come and go, so when it comes, it just creeps up from nowhere then hits you so damn hard like a ton of bricks so you lose all concentration and all comprehension of your surroundings? I can't think of anything else right now but being sad, and I have no reason. According to the Oprah show (heh) it's normal for depression to be just a huge mixture of problems all put together and undefined...I always thought something was wrong with me, because it's not like anything is wrong in my life. It's just...me. But apparently a lot of people ARE like me. I'm not a freak! Always a good thing. Like me, other people simply do not know why they are sad, they just are...it's a total combination of events and feelings over time that you totally cannot pinpoint. So what does this all mean? I have no idea. Am I really depressed? Like, medically depressed? There was this little girl on the show that just made me burst into tears...it was soo sad...she was only 8 years old and she was depressed; she'd cry all the time for no reason, and seeing her cry on the video, all I could think about was myself and how I cry so much, often for what seems like the silliest things...she was the sweetest little girl and I just felt like I knew exactly what she was feeling...she talked about how she didn't know why she was sad, she just was...and I just cried and cried, thinking, "that's me. I don't know why, it's just there". Why does this have to happen to me? I see all my friends, and they are so happy, and it's like, they don't understand what I'm feeling at all...I try to talk to my girlfriends and they give me this look as if to say, "Whoa, you're really fucked up, what's wrong with you?". It's so frustrating to not have anyone to talk to who understands. People just don't get that I DON'T KNOW what is wrong. They ask, what happened? what's wrong? Is it this, is it that...they don't understand that sometimes, it really isn't triggered by ANYTHING. It just comes like an explosion and I have no control over anything. I wish I could learn to control my emotions and not let them control me.
~Krista
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