This weekend just flew by. I guess that is what working does to you. Friday, I did nothing because I was in a pissy mood. Yesterday I worked then saw the movie, which I thought was very good by the way, and sad - definitely a chick flick. I cried probably five times. Today I worked all day again, and now I'm home. I should be writing my essay but I just don't feel like doing anything school related. Song to download: Only Hope by Mandy Moore (make sure that it's Mandy singing, and not the original male singer). Good song, makes me cry.
When I was very depressed I saw healthiness and happiness as this far off place that I couldn't reach. I always envisioned a cliff between the place I was and the place I thought I wanted to be. It was this huge cliff I couldn't jump over. I had no idea how to get over it, and at my worst times I felt as if I was hanging from it, ready to fall down into a black hole of nothingness. I felt as if I were screaming for help, dangling by the tips of my fingers, but nobody could hear me. When I was starting to move on I complained of being suspended in the air, as if I had tried to jump over the gorge but I couldn't make it, so I was stuck between the two places, always unmoving. I couldn't go forward to happiness but I couldn't go back to being suicidal no matter how hard I tried to do either. I was stuck in that place for months and it was completely frustrating.
Today I was thinking about the whole ordeal, now that I am on the other side. My mind had always seen a cliff, but I when I look backwards now I see a small crack in the ground. That huge jump that I thought was so impossible was really a mere step. My mind blew it out of proportion so that I believed I couldn't do it, that I wasn't strong enough. I could have done it all along, if I'd seen the two places for what they really were.
Sometimes I sit now on the border of the two places, and I can run my fingers through the sand on the side where I used to be. I feel the pull immediately, and something beckons me, Krista, this is where you belong. My mind starts to swirl again, and I want to fall to the ground and crawl over that line, crying. It's desolate, dark and lonely, and I can see the bottles of pills I'd heaved against the wall one night, so that the ground is strewn with capsules of all shapes and sizes. There is nothing appealing on that side, but I find myself wishing I were there.
So I have to take my fingers out of the sand and talk to myself, take a couple step backwards and remember all that I've learned in the last year. I remember how hard I have worked to get this far. I cannot go back there, never again.
What I do believe is that if there happens to be a next time, the cliff will not seem so wide and the gorge will have an end point. And eventually, all of my problems will become cracks I will know how to step over. I learned how to cope with myself somewhere along the line. Nothing is impossible anymore.
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