The best things in life are the little things. Hugs, smiles, laughter. The smell of clean hair. The feel of your soft bed and warm blankets and the hum of your fan in your room. The rush inside you when you recieve mail from a friend. Talking with a friend over coffee. Taking a long bubble bath with your favourite book. The "uh-oh!" of your ICQ, letting you know someone loves you and wants to talk to you. Fantasies. Playing in the snow. The sound of a child's laughter. Painting. Pajamas. Writing in your journal. Feeling truly proud of something you have accomplished. Feeling proud of someone you love. Helping someone through a tough time. Candy. Shopping. Dressing up and feeling as pretty as you ever have.These things, and so many more, are the things worth living for. I know I want to live. There is so much I want to live for. I would rather live than die and never feel the sun shining down on my skin, or the rain running down my face, or my heart beat fast when I see him walk towards me. I want to smell the flowers blooming and slide across icy driveways and sing at the top of my lungs when nobody is home. I want to be able to express, to love, to smile, and even cry. I thought by now I would have no tears left. But I do, and I try to save them for special occasions; for occasions that really deserve my tears. I can beat this disease and I will recover.
Sometimes when it is raining outside and I feel sad, I think that I am not allowed to cry. God is already crying outside for me, and therefore I do not need to add my own tears to it. I like to think that someone else is relieving me of the pain and doing the job of crying for me. I can fall asleep at night listening to the rain, and I know I can leave that all outside. My pain is being poured out out there, and here, I do not need to cry. The sky is doing it for me.
I am so hungry but I continue to deprive myself of food once in a while. It is the one thing I am holding on to. I don't want to get sick again from not eating, but...we'll see. We will see how long it lasts. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am okay, and sometimes, rarely, I feel a little happiness. Sometimes I smile because someone has genuinely made me smile...and it's those times that I will live for.
~Krista
<< || >>
